


Finding Happiness in Misery

by cxhztile



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies), Taming of the Shrew - Shakespeare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Kaiju, Canon Jewish Character, F/F, Female Newton Geiszler/Female Hermann Gottlieb, Gen, and chuck uses the wrong pronouns for newt because. they're assholes, hermann & newt are he/him lesbians, just a lot of lesbianism, karla & vanessa are she/her lesbians, oh yeah lars uses the wrong pronouns & name for hermann, rewriting shakespeare babey!, this story is going to be a mess of dialogue and i apologize, yes i changed sibling birth order for the sake of roles. it adds to the screwiness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:27:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24798409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cxhztile/pseuds/cxhztile
Summary: What do you do when a father won't let you court his younger daughter until his older one is married? Why, you find a tolerant wife!(Or: Retelling 'Taming of the Shrew' with Pacific Rim characters and lesbianism)
Relationships: Karla Gottlieb/Vanessa Gottlieb, Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb
Comments: 10
Kudos: 5





	1. Act 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dragonQuill907](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonQuill907/gifts).



> **for future reference: both hermann AND newt are he/him lesbians and since it's my first time writing them as so, i'm prone to mistakes and would greatly appreciate being critiqued whenever i mess up**

Taking her first step outside of the Munich airport was freeing, like taking a breath of new air, which she quite literally was. The city was much more quaint than her usual London but no less beautiful, having its own sort of charm. Placing a hand on her chest, she let out a heavy exhale, taking in the beauty of the architecture she had already caught sight of, while her travelling companion dragged their luggage behind them. It was lucky for Mako that Vanessa was so taken or she would have thoughtlessly walked into the street.

“Here we are, Mako, fulfilling my dream of travelling,” Vanessa exclaimed, “I’ve always wanted to see Munich and its culture and thanks to Dad, here I am with his blessing and your good company.”

Mako almost opened her mouth to concur but it seemed there was more to be said so she kept her lips sealed and pleasantly smiled instead. 

“You had better not leave me while I’m out here learning, not that you ever would,” Vanessa continued, “I can’t thank Dad enough when we get back… In the meantime, let’s study some ethics and philosophy. What do you think of it all so far?”

“As always, I completely agree, but you can’t confine yourself to philosophy, you know. Especially since you take interest in so many things, you should study what you love.” Mako suggested, more or less intending to offer advice. 

“I appreciate it, Mako. Now if only Raleigh would hurry up and we can find somewhere to stay and make friends-- Oh ho ho, I wonder who they are…” Vanessa began to scoff, only to have her attention drawn towards a small, cacophonous crowd across the street.

“Perhaps it’s a tour?” Mako posited, though it was doubtful.

The procession across the way was headed by a lanky older man, hair too dark to succumb to greying just yet, scowl appearing to be permanently etched onto his face as he walked with a fast paced gait. At his flank were presumably his children. Both had similar undercuts with dark curls hanging down, though the slightly shorter of the two had her hair brushing one of her shoulders while her sibling’s hardly grazed the tips of their ears. The shorter had her hands tucked into the pockets of her denim jacket and kept flashing her sibling desperate looks, as if to ask for help to get away from the two men trailing behind them. The sibling, too androgynous for Vanessa to fully discern the vibes of, simply ignored her, hand tightly gripping the head of their cane. The men at the tail end of the group were vastly different, the taller old and sporting white hair, a scar carved into one eye poking out from beneath his sunglasses; the shorter seemed closer to the age of the siblings, though wearing his dark hair in a pompadour like it was the 50s. 

“Enough, gentlemen,” The leader finally spoke in a stern tone, “You cannot change my mind on this. I am determined to find my elder daughter a husband before even thinking about allowing the younger to marry, something you know very well at this point. I consider you to be fine companions but I will not budge, so unless either of you are partial to courting _Hermione_ , the answer remains no.”

The one who seemed to have been christened Hermione visibly flinched at the name, as though they were uncomfortable with it, but tried to shake the feeling, reminding themselves about the matters at hand. Their sister once again glanced at them, shooting a consoling look, before quickening her pace to walk closer to their father than the suitors. Said suitors exchanged a glare of their own, grimacing at the thought of marrying the older _daughter_.

“ _Cart_ him, you mean,” coughed the older gentlemen, the elder sister momentarily softening at the use of his preferred pronoun, “What about you Tendo? Still interested?”

“Sir, why do you intend to publicly humiliate me, show me off like a _whore_?” The elder daughter asked in a low tone over his father’s shoulder.

“Don’t worry, doll, we’re not _your_ suitors. Not anything against you, other than that temper.” Tendo reassured. 

“Don’t worry, _doll_ , I couldn’t care less,” The elder daughter hissed, turning to bore holes in him, “The only possible interest I could take in you would be to hit you with my cane, paint your face with blood, and make a fool of you.” 

“Lord, keep me safe from women like him.” Tendo sighed, half crossing himself.

“Me too…” His companion nodded. 

All the while, Mako and Vanessa were still standing on the airport curb with their luggage as this conversation took place before them. Mako’s interest had been piqued from the beginning and remained intact as the dynamic grew, slowly piecing together the given information. Beside her, Vanessa’s awe had shifted from the city to the younger sister in the denim jacket and dissecting her nature, in spite of her not having said anything yet. 

“This is very interesting,” Mako declared, eyes locked on the group, “That woman is either completely erratic or totally willful.”

“But look at his sister, so quiet and composed. Now hush.” Vanessa urged, concerned with hearing more gossip, Mako simply nodding in agreement. 

The parade soon stopped outside an apartment building a little ways down, prompting Mako and Vanessa to inconspicuously move with them to better eavesdrop. The man who had been at the front stood to face the other men, who complied with his sudden stop, daughters still flanking him and standing apart from each other with tension thick enough to cut with a knife. 

“Now, gentlemen, I would like to make good on what I said-- Karla, you may go inside. Whatever is decided, I will love you no less.” The father insisted, his younger daughter making a move to go up to their apartment. 

“Coddled brat… She’d cry right now if she found a reason…” The elder daughter grumbled under his breath, restlessly tapping his cane.

“ _Hermann_ , be happy in my unhappiness… In the meantime, I’ll take comfort in my studies.” Karla retorted, paused in the building entrance. 

In that moment, Vanessa’s head fell onto Mako’s shoulder in their crouching spot. Mako looked at her as it happened only to notice the lovestruck expression painted on her face at the sound of Karla finally speaking. 

“Listen, Mako! That’s Minerva’s voice you hear.” Vanessa gasped, nearly losing her footing. 

“Mr. Gottlieb, must you? I mean, I’m sorry that our endeavor’s made Karla upset.” Tendo floundered, scrambling to find the words.

“Why put her away just because of this fiend from hell? Why punish one daughter for the other’s mouth?” Tendo’s companion interrogated, hands placed on his hips.

“I’ve made my decision,” Mr. Gottlieb shook his head, “That is all there is to it. Now, go inside, Karla.”

Karla took one last look at her sister and her suitors before walking into the lobby and heading towards the stairwell door. 

“Because of her fondness for learning and her interests, I intend to hire her tutors. If you gentlemen have any recommendations, do send them my way. For now, I bid you farewell. Hermione, you may stay if you’d like.”

With that, Mr. Gottlieb strolled inside to rejoin with Karla, leaving Hermann and the men to awkwardly stare at each other for a minute. The weight of what his father said sinking in, Hermann’s brows immediately knitted together and he went red hot with anger.

“Stay out here? I think not. I am not a child to be dictated to, told when to come and go.” He growled, storming into the building. 

“I’ll tell you what to do: Go to hell! What he has nobody wants… Tendo, I think our desire to get married is low enough that we can wait this out. While we do, I’ll try to find Karla a good tutor.” The older man offered as he shook his head.

“Me too, brother. Now, Hannibal, I know we’ve never been allies exactly but I think if we put our heads together, we can solve one of our problems.” Tendo responded, an idea light bulb shining over his head.

“And that would be…?”

“Find a spouse for her sister.”

“A spouse? You mean a _devil_!” Hannibal jeered.

“I _mean_ a spouse.” Tendo stood his ground.

“I still say a devil. How the hell do you think you can fool someone into marrying him, no matter how rich the father is?” Hannibal countered, cocking his head.

“Listen, just because _we_ can’t handle his tantrums doesn’t mean there aren’t people who can’t, especially with a substantial bounty involved.” Tendo explained, huffing a little. 

“I still don’t know, fella,” Hannibal lamented, “I’d rather be publicly beaten every morning than put up with him, large dowry or not.”

“Well, pal, those options are about equal. I still think we should work together to marry off Hermann then go back to fighting for Karla. What do you say?” Tendo grinned, offering his hand.

“I’ll take you up on it. I’d hope this hypothetical suitor can hurry up and woo, wed, and bed him…” Hannibal smirked back and shook his hand. 

Vanessa was still head-over-heels in her own dreamland when the pair of gentlemen left to scheme elsewhere. Knees aching, Mako gently pushed her off and stood again, stretching her limbs. Vanessa somehow managed to keep her balance and got to her feet with minute wobbling, though her head was still fuzzy and her heart skipping beats.

“ _Is_ it possible for someone to fall in love so quickly?” Mako questioned as she turned to her and saw the red dusting her cheeks.

“I didn’t think so, until just now,” Vanessa admitted, placing a hand on her burning cheek, “But I confess… I don’t think I can live without marrying that Karla girl. You gotta talk me out of this, Mako.”

“I don’t think that I can. Love is love and not something that can be talked out of. All we can do is feed the urge.” Mako comforted, placing a hand on her shoulder.

“You’re right. Go on.” 

“You were so focused on the girl that I think you missed the big picture.” Mako rightfully stated. 

“No, I couldn’t miss her sweetness and beauty. Not even Jove could.” Vanessa corrected.

“So you entirely missed her sister berating her and fussing at her?” Mako furrowed her eyebrows.

“Mako, I saw her lips and I zoned out over how lovely she was.” Vanessa deadpanned with raised brows. 

Mako rubbed her face with both hands, not entirely surprised by the notion. Fixing her bangs after accidentally tussling them, she tried to articulate how to get them back on track. 

“Listen, Vanessa, if you love her, you’re going to have to win her. But, right now she’s ‘grounded’ until her father can get rid of her irritable older sister.” 

“And it’s cruel,” Vanessa cried, leaning back on her suitcase and hanging her head, “Still, her father did seem eager to find good tutors…”

“Aha, I’ve got it!” Mako grinned, snapping her fingers as the revelation hit her. 

“And I think I’ve got it too!” Vanessa suddenly lit up. 

“I’m sure we’re thinking the same thing.”

“Spill.”

“You pretend to be a tutor and offer to teach the girl.” 

“Exactly what I was thinking. Will it work?” Vanessa inquired, already deeply invested.

“I don’t think so. You’re supposed to be studying yourself and have no one to take your place as, well, your father’s daughter.” Mako described, exasperated. 

“Don’t worry about it! You can do all the things I would have! Now let’s get to the hotel and change.” 

The odds were in their favor for the moment as their hotel was only a short walk from the airport. Once they received their keys and made it to their room, they exchanged clothes to make the ploy more realistic, thankful they were similar sizes. There was a knock at the door not long after they finished redressing, opening it to find a puzzled Raleigh acknowledging their appearances.

“Here’s Raleigh! Where have you been?” Vanessa scolded, fixing the beret atop her coiled curls.

“Where have _I_ been? The more important question is what have _you_ been up to. What’s going on?” Raleigh asked as he dropped his stuff by the room’s couch. 

“I killed someone when we got here and I need Mako to stand in as me while I escape.” Vanessa sarcastically quipped, half expecting the story to work.

“Mhmm.” He hummed back as he sat on the sofa, though not at all convinced. 

“And you can’t call her her actual name. You have to call her ‘Vanessa’.” She demanded, basically pleading for him to join the plan.

“Lucky her.”

“It’s for her sake,” Mako added, “You can call me by my name when we’re alone but everywhere else you must call me ‘Vanessa’.” 

“Okay, I think we’re ready. One last thing. You gotta pretend to woo her, too. Trust me on this.” Vanessa requested.

Mako reluctantly nodded and followed her out of the room, closing the door tightly behind them. 

* * *

Simultaneously on the other side of town, a stout butch dragged his unwilling travel companion off their train, ignoring said companion’s protests to fix his glasses and triple check the address on his phone. They were in search of his long time friend who relocated to Munich a few years back and he had yet to visit since. According to Google Maps, the trip to the apartment at the address he had been sent would take over half an hour so he hailed a cab and pulled Chuck, his wary accomplice, in with him, Chuck sneering over barely fitting in the back seat while Newton, who had forced him to come, fit just fine.

“Bye-bye, Berlin! Hello, Munich!” Newton hollered as they stepped out of the taxi at their destination, narrowly dodging Chuck’s hand attempting to clap over his mouth. 

“Come on, dude! I think this is the building,” He huffed, eyeing the stairwell and skipping up the steps to the right floor, “When we get to Tendo’s place, I think you should knock.” 

“And why would I do that?” Chuck opposed, following mere paces behind.

“In case it’s not his, duh,” Newton clarified, stopping in front of the door whose number Tendo had given him, “Now, knock.”

“I’ll knock you…” Chuck muttered under his breath, still hesitant to make a fist.

“Dude, just knock or I’m going to punch you in the head.” Newton squawked, about to do it himself.

“If you’re going to be difficult--”

“I’ll show you difficult!”

When Tendo opened the door at the sound of a raucous, he hadn’t expected to see Newton with his tiny hands wrapped around Chuck’s collar but it _was_ what he was met with. Newton was a small woman but feisty as all hell so starting a fight with someone Chuck’s size meant nothing to him and he always went down kicking. It took a full minute for him to let Chuck ago and to turn to Tendo with a nervous smile.

“My, my. What seems to be the trouble, fellas,” Tendo chuckled, clapping them both on the shoulder, “Old Chucky boy and ‘Gutsy’ Geiszler. How’s Berlin been?”

“Came to break up the fight I see,” Newton jested, taking Tendo into a side hug, “ _on ganzem Herzen bin ich froh, dich zu sehen_.”

“ _Du bist hier willkommen, mein verehrter Newt_ ,” Tendo squeezed him, “Come on, Chuck, let’s settle this feud.”

“I don’t even want to ask what you just said to each other. Anyway, dumbass tells me to knock and when I don’t, she tries to pound me.” 

“He’s a _dog_ , Tendo. I don’t see what’s so hard about knocking on a damn door.” Newt rolled his eyes. 

“Again, I swear I will knock you--” Chuck snarled, curling a fist.

“Then I’ll leave you here and you won’t find your way home.” Newt threatened, beginning to take his fighting stance again.

“Alright, alright. Calm down, Newt. Anything to get you two to stop fighting. Anyway, what brings you this way?” Tendo asked in an attempt to diffuse the situation. 

“The wind and imminent fortunes,” Newt dryly chuckled, looking down at his feet for a moment, “But in all seriousness… Dad died recently so I want to be able to live my life. Maybe settle down, put my inheritance to good use.”

“Well, I think I can help you with the marrying part. He’s a shrew but he’d make a rich wife and besides, what are friends for?” Tendo proposed, watching Newt’s interest be visibly piqued. 

“I don’t really care about looks, as long as there’s decent money. He could be ugly, old, and mean for all I care. Rich wife, good life, ya know?” Newt replied, rubbing his hands together.

“Can you believe that,” Chuck whispered directly into Tendo’s ear, “She’ll be happy with anyone who takes her if there’s money involved.” 

“All jokes aside,” Tendo continued, elbowing Chuck off, “I can help you find a young, rich, beautiful wife but the problem is he’s kinda unbearable-- Not kinda. _Absolutely_ unbearable, so much so that _I_ don’t want him.”

“Say no more! What’s his father’s name? If I have that, I can handle the daughter.” Newt proclaimed enthusiastically as he had already begun to imagine the woman.

“The father is Lars Gottlieb, a stoic but decent fella. The daughter goes by Hermann, Hermann Gottlieb. Known around Munich for his sharp tongue.” Tendo told him, shiver running down his spine as he said the daughter’s name.

“Haven’t heard of him but the dad sounds familiar, I think he knew mine,” Newt thought aloud, tapping his chin, “Anyway, I’m too intrigued to _not_ go see this Hermann so I think we’re gonna bounce, unless you wanna come with.”

Chuck once again stepped closer to Tendo, leaning in to murmur, “Just let her go, she’s already worked herself into a mood. No amount of scolding, insults, rants, or anything is going to phase her. If anything, she’ll fight back.” 

“No, no, I should go with you. Actually, I have my eye on Lars’ younger daughter, Karla, but he’s keeping her locked up until her sister, the shrew, finds a husband.” Tendo countered, formulating a plot in the back of his head. 

“ _The shrew_ … Worst thing to get called.” Chuck tsked to no one in particular. 

“I think, with your help Newt, I might be able to disguise myself as a music teacher and get to spend some time alone with Karla, hopefully court her.” Tendo disclosed, working out his strategy on the spot. 

“ _Great_ plan, genius,” Chuck shook his head but ceased when he noticed an odd duo come out of nowhere, “And who are they?”

Down the hall, an out-of-place looking man and a short woman with a mane of coily curls emerged from one apartment only to stop in front of another that was hardly more than a few feet away. The woman was clad in a black beret, oversized tan cardigan, and a long black skirt with boot toes poking out from under its length. The man was more fanciful, as if wealthy himself, but was abnormally wearing sunglasses inside, confounding his observers.

“Shush up, Chuck. That’s who I’m up against for Karla.” Tendo said in a hushed tone, suppressing the urge to smack him on the arm. 

“What a man…” Chuck muttered anyway, half impressed by the man’s presentation. 

Taking no notice of their witnesses, the man, who Tendo already knew was Hannibal Chau but had yet to cue his buddies in on, turned to the young woman beside him and began to run through their own scheme.

“Alright, kid, I’ve skimmed the book list and I think you should stick to romance books, no other lessons, ya hear? Take these notes while you’re at it.” Hannibal detailed, handing over a notebook that seemed to appear out of thin air. 

“I assure you whatever I read her will plead your case just fine, as if you were reading it yourself.” **Cambia** ( _Vanessa_ ) affirmed as she took the notebook and glanced through its pages. 

“Excellent, excellent.” Hannibal smirked, speaking more so to himself.

“I take that back. What an _idiot_.” Chuck rolled his eyes. 

“Shut up, dude!” Newton whispered in a loud tone, finally reaching up to smack him upside the head.

“What Newt said,” Tendo grimaced, straightening and stepping out of his doorway towards Hannibal and **Cambia** , “If it isn’t Hannibal Chau!”

“Pleasure to see _you_ again, Tendo,” Hannibal greeted, “Remember how I said I’d look into tutors for Karla? Well, luck led me to this young woman, who seems to be well-versed in _many_ things.”

“That’s great, brother. And I’ve found someone who can help me find a good music tutor for our dear Karla.” Tendo replied, trying to keep a smirk off his face. 

“ _My_ dear, as it’ll be proven.” Hannibal retaliated. 

“Now, now, this isn’t the time to compete. Especially because I have good news for the both of us.” Tendo revealed. 

With that, he beckoned Newton over with a gesture, showing him off like a trophy. Both Hannibal and **Cambia** furrowed their brows upon looking at him. He was short and stocky, hiding large almond eyes behind thick rimmed glasses, meanwhile trying to compensate for his height with Doc Martens that were admittedly stylish. However, the tucked-in t-shirt and leather jacket couldn’t fully mask the slight curve of his bust, hinting to **Cambia** that there was something peculiar about him, outside of his appearance. 

“This, my friend, is a lesbian willing to take the challenge of wooing cutthroat Hermann. Yes, even marrying him if the price is right.” Tendo introduced, now unable to keep from smiling. 

“More power to them if they can manage. Tendo, did you tell them all his faults?” Hannibal inquired.

“More power to _him_ ,” Newt corrected but quickly moved past it, “I know he’s a bitter, quarrelsome broad but I see no problem here.”

“Really now? Tell me, kid, where you from?”

“Berlin. Daughter of Jacob Geiszler, peace be upon him. Hoping to spend my inheritance on a good life.” Newt vindicated, bowing a little. 

“Hah! As if it’s possible to have such a life with _Hermann_ as a wife. But if you can stomach it, I offer my services. Do you _really_ mean to go after him?” Hannibal interrogated in the hopes of finding a loose thread. 

“Do I mean to keep breathing?” Newt raised his eyebrows with a sudden seriousness.

“You had better woo him or I’ll hang him myself.” Hannibal chided to remind him of the importance of the situation. 

“Why come here otherwise? Did you really think you could scare me off that easily? I’ve been through enough shit in my life that no one-- no _woman_ \-- could scare me off.” Newt defended, beginning to take his fighting stance again. 

“Really, _nothing_ scares her.” Chuck backed him up, earning a look from everyone about his pronoun use. 

“Tendo, I’m beginning to think his arrival is actually fortunate for us.” Hannibal confessed.

“And I promised we’d chip in where we can to help this go smoothly.” Tendo interjected.

“Of course, of course. So long as he actually gets the girl.” Hannibal admonished. 

“Wish I had your certainty.” Chuck frowned.

Their conversation was cut short by the appearance of two more strangers trying to worm their way to the Gottliebs’ door. There was a knowing look shared between **Cambia** and the newcomers, as if they knew each other and were trying to conceal it, nevertheless being new to Tendo and company. The girl had a black bob with blue ends and wore a casual chic suit, while the man with her looked eerily like Chuck but was different enough to be his own person, instead wearing a woollen sweater and army-style cargo pants. 

“Greetings, everyone. Is this Mr. Gottlieb’s apartment?” The woman said politely, hands behind her back. 

“The guy with two daughters?” The man behind her questioned. 

“Yes, that one, Raleigh.” The woman clarified, trying not to roll her eyes. 

“I’d hope you’re not looking for the daughter--” Hannibal started, only to be cut off. 

“Perhaps I am looking for the daughter and the father. But that is my business.” The woman divulged, rigid expression remaining on her face.

“Not the scolding one, I hope?” Newt interrupted, not wanting his position to be compromised. 

“I do not enjoy taunts, so no,” She shook her head, prompting him to sigh with relief, “Come along, Raleigh.” 

The man, supposedly named Raleigh, followed the woman as she sauntered from the stairwell to the Gottliebs’ door, getting closer to it than everyone else had already gotten. **Cambia** momentarily stepped into her personal bubble to whisper, “Nice work Mako,” before taking a few paces backward to rejoin Hannibal. Everyone was frozen in an awkward standoff, waiting on someone else to say something first, Tendo making a move seconds before Mako (posing Vanessa) knocked on the door.

“Wait, wait, before you knock,” He choked out, “Are you also a suitor of our lady in question or…?” 

“Is it a problem if I am?” She cocked an eyebrow at him. 

“If you go away, there won’t be.” Hannibal answered for him. 

“These streets are just as much mine as they are yours.” **Vanessa** ( _Mako_ ) half quipped in a metaphorical sense.

“But _she_ isn’t.” Hannibal growled, cutting through her figurative speech.

“Why is that, pray tell?” **Vanessa** shifted her attention towards him now.

“Because she’s been chosen by Mr. Chau.” 

“No, he means chosen by Mr. _Choi_.” Tendo huffed. 

“Gentlemen, gentlemen,” **Vanessa** tried to diffuse the animosity, “Mr. Gottlieb’s daughter is entitled to any number of suitors, including myself. In fact, Helen of Troy had thousands, so what is one more to Karla?”

“This girl’s gonna out-talk all of us…” Hannibal scoffed, impatiently tapping his foot. 

“Let her. She’ll talk herself out soon enough.” **Cambia** consoled.

“Hey, Tendo, quick question: What’s all this about?” Newt interrogated, becoming rapidly puzzled by the situation.

“Gimme a second,” Tendo said in a hushed tone, turning to **Vanessa** , “Sorry for asking but have you even _seen_ Lars’ daughter?”

“Well, no, but I have heard he has two. One is known for his venomous tongue and the other her modest beauty.” She returned, attempting to keep her case as solid as possible. 

“I called dibs on the first one so back off!” Newt hissed and eyed everyone, making sure nobody was going to blow up his spot. 

“Yeah, leave that labor to Hercules here.” Hannibal joked, patting his shoulder, only to earn a caught off guard glare.

“Listen, lady, from what I’ve heard, the younger daughter you all are pining after is off limits until the older one gets married.” Newt illustrated, partly for his own sake.

“If that is the case, then you’re the chosen one who will help all of us to win the younger once she’s accessible. And whoever ends up with her will be forever grateful.” **Vanessa** assumed, based on her interpretation of his given data.

“Well spoken,” Tendo complimented, “Since you’re including yourself in the group, I think you need to pay him for his service.” 

“Of course. In the meantime, I suggest we should eat and drink as friends, no?” She finally smiled. 

“Great idea.” Chuck and Raleigh somehow uttered simultaneously. 

“I second it. Come on, everyone. I’m buying.” Tendo proclaimed, beckoning the others to follow him down the stairwell. 

And so, the ensemble of schemers grew all the while closer as they talked over lunch and drank until they were full, all convinced their individual plans were foolproof. 


	2. Act 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang introduces themselves to Lars and the tamer meets the shrew! :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i half expected this to take less time because it's. one scene but there was NINETEEN (19) pages for me to spend all day working through...

The next day, in a whirlwind of forgettable events, Karla found herself tied to her bedpost in the room she shared with her sister. Hermann was in another one of his fits and it showed no sign of subsiding. However, Karla wasn’t about to keep silent about all of this.

“Come on, Hermann, you know this is unfair to both of us,” She pleaded, tugging at her binding in an effort to slip free, “If you want my  _ things _ , untie me and you can have them,  _ any _ of them.”

“What I  _ want _ is for you to tell me your favorite suitor and not lie about it.” Hermann growled, restlessly pacing to the best of his ability.

“I swear, Hermann, I don’t like any better than the others.” His sister exclaimed, continuing to pull at the silk ties she had been bound with. 

“ _ Liar _ . It’s Tendo, isn’t it?” He accused, carefully eyeing any change in her expression.

“If you want him, you can have him. I’ll even  _ help _ you get him!”

“I see… So you’d prefer money? Well, you’d live in luxury with Hannibal.” He dismissed her accusation with his own.

“Hold on. Are you jealous because of  _ him _ ? You’ve gotta be kidding! Come on, Herm, untie me.” Karla begged again, hoping it would work this time.

To her dismay, Hermann stopped his incessant pacing and stepped closer, gently smacking her on top of the head with his cane instead of freeing her. Karla had almost expected him to devilishly grin as he moved away but his face remained stern, looking eerily like their father’s, ignoring her whimper of pain. Turning on his heel, he abruptly stopped in front of the closed door and scowled, as if articulating a comeback.

“If that’s a joke to you, then I guess the rest was as well.” 

Presumably alarmed by the sound of wood against bone, their father opened the door, nearly hitting Hermann and causing him to jump aside, and barged in. The first thing to catch his attention was Karla tied to the bed, confounding and frustrating him all at once. Noticing Hermann’s indignant posture, he put two and two together but was going to furiously interrogate them anyway. 

“What in Heaven’s name is going on?! Where did you get the  _ nerve _ ?!” Lars hissed at Hermann, who was unperturbed by the shout.

Deciding to deal with his disobedient daughter in a moment, he came to Karla’s aid and untied her, saving her from any future wrath. She got to her feet and stood behind him, rubbing her wrists and appearing as frightened as a child. Hermann stood his ground opposing them, jaw visibly clenched, seemingly biting back more insults and rage due to their father’s presence. 

“ _ She _ ’s gone hysterical, don’t mind her,” Lars said over his shoulder to Karla before turning back to Hermann, choleric, “You monstrous, good-for-nothing  _ fiend _ ! Why were you trying to hurt your sister when she’s done you no harm, spoken no cross words to you?”

“She mocks me with her silence and I intended to get revenge.” Hermann answered dryly, white knuckle grip on his cane, raising it a few inches off the ground.

“In my presence? I think not,” Lars reprimanded, watching the cane lower again, “Karla, run along.”

Karla slithered past them both with wide fearful eyes and sprinted to the front door. Slipping her shoes on, she unlocked the door and made her way outside, hoping to get some air as Lars likely chewed Hermann out. Back inside, Hermann’s anger was beginning to get the best of him and turn his vision red. 

“So you don’t want my side? How typical,” He snarled, “She’s your treasure, the one who’s liked best, who’ll have a spouse as I dance barefoot on her wedding day and die an old maid.” 

Lars opened his mouth to refute but Hermann cut him off before he could.

“No, don’t speak to me. I’m going to go cry myself sick and plan how to retaliate.”

Tears already prickling his eyes and his stomach nauseated, he briskly strolled out of the room and forcibly opened the door to the balcony, unsurprisingly slamming it shut. Now alone, he collapsed on the ground and began to sob, not bothering to wipe the tears away as they ran down his face. He knew he shouldn’t have been so hurt by all of it, since Karla was always the favorite, but it nevertheless pierced his soul in the way it always did and he despised his father for allowing him to feel such a way.

“Has any other man had to put up with what I do? Now what?” Lars muttered to himself, sighing as he ambled to the living room and noticed the front door ajar. 

Apparently he wasn’t the only one to notice as an interesting assembly seized the opportunity and came in, baffling him with their brashness. The first to enter was his neighbor Hannibal, who had a young woman of a dark complexion on his tail, dressed in very middle class clothing. They were followed by a spiky-haired woman, or somewhere in that ballpark, wearing a toothy grin, beside them a man who looked very similar to his neighbor Tendo but with a different hairstyle and a more cursory outfit.  _ Those _ two were succeeded by a small Japanese woman and her scruffy blonde aide who was carrying a guitar case and a pile of books. 

“Morning, Lars.” Hannibal greeted, stretching out his hand to the dazed man.

“Good morning, Hannibal. Greetings… Everyone.” Lars coughed, shaking his hand. 

“Right back at you,” called the spiky haired one, making their way towards the front of the group, “You don’t happen to have a lovely and virtuous daughter named Hermann, do you?”

“I have a daughter named  _ Hermione _ .” Lars corrected, thrown by every aspect of the person before him.

“Fool. That was too blunt,” Hannibal chided in Newt’s direction, “You gotta work up to it.”

“Please, Chau. I’ve got this.” Newt insisted. 

“Allow me to introduce myself. I’m a gentlewoman from Berlin who’s heard all about your daughter; of his beauty, his friendly nature and modesty, his virtues and mild behavior. So I would hope to be a guest of your house for the price of a tutor friend of mine.

“He’s an expert in music and maths, which I hope would be of interest to your daughter. His name’s  **Litio** and he’s originally from Frankfurt.”

Tendo had come beside Newt at the mention of his role and neatly held his hands behind his back as he was introduced, a stance that felt awkward and unusual but was necessary for keeping up the act. Lars was still perplexed but he slightly softened at Newt’s generous proposal. 

“You’re both welcome here,” He responded, “However, I must warn you Hermione is not good for  _ anyone _ , let alone you. It’s quite pitiful.”

“Oh, so you won’t part with him? Or do you just not like  _ me _ ?” Newt accused, puffing up his chest.

“No need to twist my words. I’m simply stating facts. What is your name and where do you hail from?” Lars defended.

“My name is Newton, daughter of Jacob Geiszler, well known throughout Germany.” Newt bowed a little, loving the theatrics of doing so.

“I know of him, therefore your welcome is secured.” Lars nodded.

“Come  _ on _ , Geiszler, let someone else talk. You’re getting aggressive.” Hannibal interjected, waving a hand. 

“Sorry for being anxious to get things moving.” Newt sarcastically apologized.

“Sure you are,” Hannibal shook his head and coaxed  **Cambia** forward, “But, as your neighbor, I should take precedent, especially in bringing you  _ this _ young scholar who studied at Oxford and is well-versed in several foreign languages and other humanities topics. Her name is  **Cambia** and I hope you’ll accept her services.”

“Of course. Many thanks to both of you,” Lars replied, looking past them to the last two visitors, “And might I ask your reason for coming, bold stranger?”

“Pardon my boldness, sir, but I blatantly seek to court your daughter Karla,”  **Vanessa** deadpanned, “I am indeed a stranger and I know of your stance regarding her older sister, but I believe if you knew who my parents are, I may be just as welcome. I offer a formal guitar and a package of language books as a contribution.” 

At their allusion, the scruffy blonde, who everyone else had come to as Raleigh, brought forth said guitar and books, ushered to temporarily place them by a bookshelf in one corner of the room. 

“You say your name is  **Vanessa** . From what city?” Lars inspected the girl suspiciously.

“London, sir. Daughter of Stacker Pentecost.” She remarked diligently. 

“Ah, yes. A man of great influence, I know his reputation very well. And so, you are very welcome here.” He affirmed, turning his attention to the provided tutors. 

“The two of you will take Ms. Pentecost’s gifts to the girls’ room and I will send them your way.” 

It was sheer luck that Karla came back from her walk not long after  **Litio** and **Cambia** made themselves comfortable in her room, Lars telling her to go meet them as he searched for Hermann. Hermann seemed to be at the end of his crying session when Lars discovered him on the balcony and reluctantly complied with his father’s wishes to greet the new tutors, legs aching and trembling as he worked himself to his feet. He couldn’t have cared less about his red eyes and pink cheeks, trotting to his room while his father rejoined with Newton and Hannibal.

“Come along, Newton. I should think it good to take a walk before supper.” Lars proposed, leaving Newt blinking in shock but acquiescing anyway. 

“I’m going to be real with you, Mr. Gottlieb. I’m kinda in a hurry here and ‘wooing’ doesn’t really fit into my daily agenda. I’m my dad’s only heir so I’d hate to deplete the value of the fortune he left. What I mean is, in the instance I won your daughter’s heart, what would his dowry be?”

“Twenty thousand euros now and half my land in the countryside posthumous.” Lars stated plainly, as if he had his will memorized.

“Alright, that’s fair. On my end, he’ll get all my land and any property rent if I die earlier. I’m sure we can write up something to insure both sides.” Newt cheekily grinned.

“Certainly, but you must have her love first. That’s the most important part.” Lars reminded him. 

“Believe me, it’ll be nothing. To me, it seems like he’s a raging fire, burning everything in his path. But a fire can be blown on by a strong wind, which is what I plan to be. It’ll be an easy job.” Newt assured him, proudly putting his hands on his hips. 

“Well, best of luck to you. I’d hope your endeavor turns out successful but be prepared for a lot of unpleasantness.” Lars warned him as they came back to the apartment and began to push open the door.

“Oh, I’m completely prepared.” Newt winked and followed him inside.

When they stepped in, they found  **Litio** laid out on the sofa, rubbing his face with both hands. There was a gaping wound on his forehead, still slightly bleeding but mostly scabbed over by now, and his face was drained of any color. He didn’t appear too bothered by their sudden presence but rolled his eyes in their direction anyway.

“Good gracious… Why are you so pale?” Lars questioned, shuffling to the kitchen to get him a glass of water.

“My guess is fear.” Litio answered in a raw voice, slowly sitting himself up. 

“Do you believe my daughter will make a good musician?” Lars inquired as he handed over the half full glass and watched  **Litio** take a generous sip.

“I think he’d make a better soldier. Good with guns, not guitars.” Litio sarcastically quipped, trying to rub away the pain in his forehead at its source.

“So you think she’s unteachable?”

“No, but he certainly taught me a thing or two,” Litio reassured him, “All I did was say he was using the wrong frets and tried to fix his fingering. Next thing I know, he’s yelling about frets and hits me over the head with the guitar, enough for me to go through it.

“There I am, dazed, and getting called a ‘worthless fiddler’, ‘twerp’, and twenty other insults, like he already had a list on hand.”

“I like this girl already! What a character,” Newt uttered, already head over heels, “I can’t  _ not _ have him. Can’t wait to meet him.”

“Alright, musician, come with me. You can give your lessons to my younger daughter,” Lars requested, “Newton, would you like to step onto the balcony and I send Hermione to you?”

“Sounds great.” Newt beamed and made his way to the balcony, queuing up a soliloquy in his head.

“I’ll wait for him here and take a novel approach. If he rants? I’ll tell him he sings as sweetly as a bird. If he scowls? I’ll tell him he looks as clear as roses washed in morning dew. If he won’t talk at all? I’ll praise his chatter and eloquent speaking. If he tells me to leave? I’ll thank him warmly. If he refuses my proposal? I’ll tell him I look forward to the wedding! Shit, here he comes. Here goes nothing.”

He would never admit it aloud but his heart actually skipped a beat as Hermann joined him on the balcony. His eyes were dark but not lifeless, as they were warm like chocolate, and he had strong features, like a chiseled jawline and short curls, that would make anyone swoon. He was tall and lanky, posture slightly arched by his need to use a cane, but no part of him subsided Newt’s attraction, in fact increasing it as he put a name and traits to a face-- a beautiful face. It took a full minute for him to regain his composure and say something. 

“Morning, Herm, or so I hear they call you.” He choked out once he could string words together.

“Is that what you’ve heard? Then I advise you get your ears checked. I’m called  _ Hermann _ by those who have any business saying my name.” Hermann countered coldly, clutching his cane tighter than he had.

“Hmm,  _ sure _ ,” Newt rolled his eyes, “You’re called Herm; plain Herm, handsome Herm, sometimes Herm the shrew. But definitely Herm-- the  _ handsomest _ Herm in the world, Herms, Hermie, Herm-madam, the Herm-ster-- but that’s beside the point. 

“Hear me out: given what I’ve heard about your charming nature, not to mention your beauty and virtues, I’m driven to propose and have you as my wife.”

“‘Driven’? Really? Well, then let the urge drive you off. I had taken you for a piece of furniture.” Hermann scoffed, hobbling over to lean against the balcony railing. 

“What do you mean ‘furniture’?” Newt interrogated as he came to his side.

“A nice  _ stool _ .”

“Actually, you’re right. Come sit on me.” Newt teased, reaching a hand out to hook his thumb under the thick hem of Hermann’s chiffon skirt and pull him closer by his jarring hip. 

“ _ Asses _ are made for bearing, as are you.” Hermann growled and shoved him off. 

“ _ Women _ are made for bearing and so are you.” Newt retorted, biting his lip and trying to pull them together again. 

“Not by the likes of you…” Hermann snarled and clenched Newt’s wrist hard enough to make him squeal, offering the perfect moment of escape. 

“Come on, Hermann. I’m not trying to burden you, especially with how light and carefree you are.” Newt whined. 

“Too light to be caught by  _ you _ \-- as I should be.” Hermann shifted his weight to his better leg and raised his cane before him in defense. 

“Should be? What you  _ should be _ is the subject of some buzz.” Newt corrected, trying to push the cane out of his face only for it to return to its original position.

“Buzz off, buzzard.” 

“If  _ I’m _ a buzzard,  _ you’re _ a turtledove.” Newt said sweetly, hoping the indirect compliment would get him out of this standoff. 

“Only a  _ buzzard _ would think so.” Hermann spit, refusing to change his stance. 

“Come on, my little wasp, you’re too angry.” Newt cooed, finally grabbing the cane and using it as leverage to pull Hermann towards him.

“If I’m a  _ wasp _ , watch for my stinger.” Hermann sneered but made no effort to move away this time.

“All I have to do is  _ remove _ it.” Newt licked his lips, gingerly grabbing Hermann’s thigh through his skirt. 

“If a fool like you can find it.” Hermann replied, trying not to gulp at the touch or further it along.

“Everyone knows a wasp wears its stinger in its tail.” Newt smirked, enjoying the small amount of blush creeping onto Hermann’s face. 

“No, in its  _ tongue _ .” Hermann amended as he tried to blink back to reality and stepped backward. 

“Whose tongue?”

“Yours, if we’re talking tales. I’m leaving.” He turned on his heel, death grip on his cane, and walking towards the door.

“You’re leaving with my tongue in your tail? Come back, Herm,” Newt pleaded, grabbing his free hand and bringing it to his mouth to kiss its palm, “I’m too much of a gentlewoman.”

“A  _ gentlewoman _ ,” Hermann murmured, surprised by the modifier and Newt’s use of it in regards to himself, “We’ll see about that…”

In a bout of anger, he withdrew the hand that was just kissed and slapped Newt across the face hard enough for it to be audible. Newt was momentarily startled by the scene but quickly retaliated by snatching Hermann’s thin wrist and holding it with a strength Hermann had realized he had, not bothering to fix his crooked glasses. 

“I swear I’ll smack you back if you hit me again.” He glowered with clenched teeth before letting Hermann’s wrist drop dramatically.

“Not if you want to keep your arms… Hit me and it’ll prove you’re no noble, which means you can go without your arms.” Hermann sniffed, massaging his wrist.

“What are you, a herald? Put me in your books then!” Newt yapped, beginning to grow a little irritated himself.

“What’s your crest? A coxcomb?” Hermann cocked a brow.

“I’ll give up my comb if you’ll be my hen.” Newt replied, some of his smugness returning.

“It has no fighting spirit, therefore no.” 

“Come on, Herm. Don’t look so sour.” Newt pouted.

“But that’s how I am when I see a crab-apple.” Hermann jeered, hoping it would end the conversation quicker. 

“But there’s no crab-apple here.” Newt furrowed his brows.

“Indeed, there is.”

“Show me.”

“If only I had a mirror.” Hermann hinted and titled his head, watching the revelation sink in.

“Are you saying  _ I’m _ the crab-apple?” Newt accused, pointing a finger.

“What a clever child he is!” Hermann harshly snorted.

“Maybe you’re right. I’m probably too young for you anyway.” Newt mocked, sitting heavily in a spare chair.

“Perhaps, but you’re wrinkled all the same.” Hermann refuted, stepping into his general vicinity against his better judgement. 

“It’s from all the worrying.”

“As if that worries me.”

“Hermann, you can’t get away from me that easily.” Newt expressed plainly. 

“I think it better to let me go, especially because I’ll only make you angry.” Hermann warned. 

“Not at all! I was told you’re violent, proud, and hostile, but actually you’re quite gentle,” Newt began to explain, once again grabbing his hand and this time examining it, “But it seems like everyone was lying about you. You’re funny, playful, well-behaved, and sweet, not cruel.

“You don’t have it in you to frown or be upset or bite your lip like angry women do. You don’t like sour conversation, instead you entertain everyone with mildness and gentleness. Why does everyone say you’re unpleasant? Because they’re  _ liars _ . You’re straight and slender like a twig but with hair like mocha and are even sweeter than the drink. Look at how you walk, you hardly limp!”

Of course, the last part was the farthest from true, but something panged in Hermann’s heart as he listened to Newt’s recitation. For a moment, he wanted to believe that it was all true, that he wasn’t the monster everyone made him out to be, that he was a simple woman who could perhaps even grow to love such an imbecile as the one before him. But he knew himself and his insecurities too well to be roped into the jests and whatever evil plot Newt had going, And so, his anger got the best of himself, as it always did, and he continued to hide his fragile soul behind its walls.

“Get out of here, you  _ moron _ .” He snapped, stomach turning sicker the longer he looked at Newt.

“Did Diana ever beautify a grove the way you beautify a room with your queenly movements,” Newt asked, almost genuinely desperate at this point, “Be Diana and let her be you. Then let yourself be the chaste one as she plays with me.”

“Where’d you memorize all this scholar talk?” Hermann admonished, thinking it impossible for his brain to be any bigger than a walnut.

“I make it up as I go. Mother wit, if you will.” 

“A witty mother, indeed. Too bad about the daughter, however.” Hermann authentically laughed, Newt yearning to hear more of the sound.

“Are you saying I’m not wise?” 

“Enough to keep yourself warm.”

“And I do intend to keep myself warm, dear Hermann, in  _ your _ bed,” Newt stood abruptly, “I’ll get to the point: your dad already okayed us getting married. Your dowry was agreed upon and I’m gonna marry you, whether you like it or not.

“I  _ know _ I’m the one for you, Herm. I swear on the light that’s showing me your beauty-- the beauty that’s making me fall in love with on the spot-- that you can’t marry anyone but me. I was born to soften your edges, make you gentle and tame.” 

An intrusive thought wormed its way into Hermann’s head and told him to take Newt onto his breast, accept this supposed love, take the offer to be happy while it was in front of him. But the rational part of him shooed it off, remembering that Newt was likely going to marry him for his money then abandon him, something his heart couldn’t take. So, his anger remained solid and unwavering, worsening with a glance towards the door and the sight of the other guests. 

“Your dad’s coming,” Newt croaked, snaking an arm around his waist, mostly for his own pleasure, “Don’t even think about refusing, dude. You’re the only one I want to marry.” 

“Newton, how are you getting along with my daughter?” Lars asked, being the first through the door and to set eyes on the pair.

“Beautifully! Couldn’t go any other way.” Newt softly smiled, pressing his cheek onto Hermann’s bony shoulder.

“Daughter, are you dismayed?” Lars immediately looked to Hermann and saw his bewildered expression.

“You have the  _ audacity _ to call me daughter? Is this a father’s care-- wanting to marry me off to a lunatic, a worthless irresponsible neurotic who thinks if he swears enough he’ll get his way?” Hermann roared, instinctively slamming his cane onto the top of Newt’s foot, revelling in the way he bounced in pain and cursed under his breath.

“Sir, here’s the truth,” Newt coughed, trying to suppress his pain, “Everyone who’s talked about him is wrong. He’s fierce for a reason. He’s not stubborn but gentle, not high-strung but peaceful. Not to mention, patient and modest. We’ve gotten along so well we decided to marry Saturday.”

“I’ll see you hanged on Saturday first!” Hermann seethed, bearing his teeth and having to be held back from taking a physical crack at him.

“Hear that, Geiszler? He says he’ll see you hanged first.” Hannibal barked, snickering to himself. 

“Is this your idea of success? That puts a damper on our plan…”  **Vanessa** sighed beside him.

“Relax, relax. I’ve made my choice. If we’re happy, what’s it to you,” Newt began to ramble  _ again _ , “When we were alone, we agreed to let him continue being rude in public. It’s amazing how much he loves me, though. Dear Hermann! He hung off me, smothering me in kisses, making vow after vow. Gotta admit he won my heart pretty quick!

“You guys are beginners! Amazing how even a timid rascal can pacify the most dreadful shrew, if they’re given enough alone time.”

In a moment of bona fide admiration, he treaded forward and drew Hermann to him by seizing his hand, holding his waist and spinning them around for a second. Hermann was mystified to the point where he placed his arms loosely around his neck, prompting Newt to smile warmly and flutter his long eyelashes. Everyone else’s jaws dropped at the display and Hermann was left focused on the color Newt’s eyes, rapid heartbeat ringing in his ears. 

“I’m off to Nuremberg to buy the wedding outfits,” Newt disclosed, beginning in a whisper, “Mr. Gottlieb, plan the reception and invite the guests. I want  _ my _ Hermann decked out in the finest clothes.” 

“I’m speechless… Give me your hands,” Lars demanded, the fiances complying but remaining entwined, “God bless you, Newton. Dare I say this is a match!”

“Amen to that. We’ll be your witnesses.” Hannibal and  **Vanessa** proclaimed in unison. 

“Father, wife, friends-- I’d better get going. Saturday’s right around the corner so I should head to Nuremberg,” Newt interjected, “We’ll have rings and things and fancy dress… Come on and kiss me, Herm. We’re getting married soon!”

Hermann blinked at him for a moment but did just so, threading his fingers through Newt’s hair as he cupped the back of his head. There were audible gasps as he leaned down to meet Newt, who was going on his tiptoes, halfway, sharing a hasty kiss. Newt’s mind was already off in other places, imagining that moment lasting forever in one corner and picturing whisking Hermann away to find out what lay beneath that skirt in another. But he was lingering too much as is so he waved goodbye and towed Hermann back inside with him.

“Have you ever seen a match be put together so quickly?” Hannibal queried once they were gone. 

“This is truly a chancy piece of business and I’ve made a risky investment.” Lars admitted, reviewing the situation in his head.

“Undoubtedly, but that item was beginning to gather dust. Now, you’ll either make an easy profit or lose it gambling.”  **Vanessa** informed him.

“The only profit I seek is a peaceful match.”

“Well, Geiszler’s certainly got quite a catch,” Hannibal nodded, collecting his thoughts, “Now, about your younger daughter. We’ve been waiting a long time for this day and I was the one who came courting first--”

“And I am the one who loves Karla more than words can describe.” Vanessa interrupted, earning a glare.

“Callow youngster! You don’t know what love is yet!”

“With all due respect, sir, your love is  _ ice _ .”

“And you’re all  _ sizzle _ . It’s age that nourishes.”

“But youth that flourishes.” 

“Enough, enough. I’ll settle this matter for you,” Lars asserted, “Deeds will determine the winner, as the one offering the biggest dower will have Karla’s love. Mr. Chau?”

“I’m providing my house in the city with all its foreign furnishings and treasures, as well as my farm and its animals. I’m getting on in years so if I died tomorrow, all of this would go to Karla.”

“Sir, might I remind you I’m my father’s only daughter and his sole heir,”  **Vanessa** cut him short, “If you give me your daughter’s hand, she will end up with several nice houses in London and two thousand euros a year from the lands I own, all to be left for her in my will.” 

“Two thousand euros is pretty impressive… But I forgot to mention the merchant ship that lies in Hamburg port.” Hannibal smirked, hoping to have finally won with that quick save.

“Mr. Chau, everyone knows that my father owns several merchant ships and galleys, which I also promise to Karla. Your next offer?”

“That’s it. That’s all I’ve got,” Hannibal impatiently tapped his foot, “If you choose me, she’ll get me and mine.”

“Then by all accounts and your explicit promise, I have won. Mr. Chau has been outbid.”  **Vanessa** nodded. 

“I must confess your offer  _ is _ better. Provided your father will vouch for you, she is yours. However, what will come of her dowry if, for instance, you die before him?” Lars expressed, not entirely concerned about the latter but thinking it useful to know regardless.

“There is no need to worry about that. I am young and healthy.” She maintained.

“And the young never die?” Hannibal laughed. 

“Well, I believe I’ve made my decision,” Lars cleared his throat, “This upcoming Saturday, Hermione will be married, so the Saturday after Karla shall marry you, Ms. Pentecost, if you uphold your end of the bargain. If not, she’ll marry Mr. Chau. I thank you both and bid you goodbye.”

“Adieu, Lars.” Hannibal extended.

With that, Lars strode back inside and made his way to his bedroom to rest. Hannibal and Vanessa lingered on the balcony, awkwardly glaring at each other for what the other said, waiting for the perfect moment to strike again.

“I’m not worried about myself but you’re a fool to think your father would willingly give his fortune only to die a guest in your house. It’s absolutely absurd, kid.” Hannibal shook his head before seeing himself out of the house.

“Nasty conniving old man! We’ll see who gets the upper hand,”  **Vanessa** babbled to herself in her native Japanese, “I managed to bluff my way through that but… It seems fake Vanessa must produce a fake father, miraculously. Usually fathers produce children but this is a special case that must happen the other way around-- if my wits don’t fail me.”

Formulating a side plan in her head, she walked through the house and exited through the front door, too occupied to listen to the musical plucking coming from one of the bedrooms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: when i got to describing hermann's appearance when he meets newt, i made myself step away because i was going to Lose it otherwise. like. fuck everyone (but newt) because i would marry hermann on the spot


	3. Act 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tutoring lesson insight // Newmann wedding :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i tried my best to do wedding research ok,,, but you can still critique me,,,

In the daughters’ bedroom the following day,  **Cambia** and **Litio** were trying their hand at tutoring Karla, just like their plans called for.  **Litio** was sat in a wicker egg chair in the corner of the room, new guitar in his lap as he gently strummed out a neat little tune off the top of his head, while Karla was on her side on the bed, head propped on an elbow to skim the book before her,  **Cambia** sitting above her.  **Litio** had been immersed in his tune, earning no protests about the background noise, until he hit a sour note, frazzling even him, and all eyes falling upon him.

“Chill out your playing, dude. You’re trying too hard,”  **Cambia** asserted with a little huff, “Did you forget how Hermann thanked you for your lessons?”

“You chill out… This young lady is the queen of heavenly harmony, so let me have her attention for an hour then you can lecture.” He retorted, glancing down to make sure his fingering was the same as it had originally been. 

“Asshole! You don’t even know why music was created, to refresh the mind  _ after _ a day of studying and other duties. So let me read her philosophy then you can play your silly tunes.” She barked back, suppressing the urge to throw the book in her lap at his head. 

“You know what--”

“Guys! If anything, it should be up to  _ me _ . I’m no schoolgirl so my lessons should be in whatever order I prefer, not what’s dictated to me. So let’s settle this civilly.” Karla interrupted, catching their attention with the way she fluttered her eyelashes.

“Take your guitar and play a while; she’ll be done with her lecture before you’ve even tuned it.” She requested with a small smile.

“So you’ll leave her lecture when I’m in tune?” Litio tried to clarify.

“As if that’ll happen…”  **Cambia** muttered under her breath, sitting back against the headboard.

Karla ignored the snide comment and instead sat up, scooting closer to  **Cambia** so that they were shoulder-to-shoulder.  **Cambia** tried to not fluster, opening to the page that Karla had already gotten to, trying her best to keep a blush off her face as Karla laid her head on her shoulder.  **Litio** just scoffed a little and went to work twisting the tuning pegs. 

“Where did we leave off?” Karla asked, though already knowing the answer.

“Here,”  **Cambia** pointed at the last line they had gone over, “ _ Hic ibat Simois, hic est Sigeia tellus, Hic steterat Priami regia celsa senis _ .” 

“Translate.”

“ _ Hic ibat Simois _ is ‘I am Vanessa’,  _ hic est _ , ‘daughter of Stacker of London’,  _ Sigeia tellus _ , ‘disguised as a teacher to win your love’,  _ Hic steterat _ , ‘and the girl courting you who calls herself Vanessa’,  _ Priami _ , ‘is my friend Mako’,  _ regia _ , ‘pretending to be me’,  _ celsa senis _ , ‘so we can win out’.” 

“Guitar’s in tune.”  **Litio** called out, cheeky smirk painted on his face.

“Let’s hear,” Karla appealed, fake flinching as he did, “I think the high note’s off.”

“Put some more muscle into and try again.”  **Cambia** sarcastically quipped before turning back to Karla and their book barrier. 

“Now let me see if I can translate it,” Karla insisted, “ _ Hic ibat Simois _ , ‘I don’t know you’,  _ hic est Sigeia tellus _ , ‘I don’t trust you’,  _ Hic steterat Priami _ , ‘don’t let him hear you’,  _ regia _ , ‘take nothing for granted’,  _ celsa senis _ , ‘but don’t give up’.”

“I think it’s finally in tune.”  **Litio** hooted, not yet suspicious of their behavior.

“Low note’s still off.”  **Cambia** persisted, somewhat lost in Karla’s eyes. 

“Low note’s  _ fine _ ,” He groaned, a red flag being raised in his mind, prompting him to mutter to himself, “God is she touchy… I think she’s trying to woo her… I’ve got my eye on you.”

“I’m wary now but I might believe you eventually.” Karla assured  **Cambia** .

“But there’s no need to be--”  **Cambia** cut herself when she noticed Lito’s cocked eye, pretending to go back to the lesson, “--Aeacides is still Ajax, mind you. Just a name he got from his grandfather.”

“Because you’re my teacher, I believe you, especially since I would have already argued otherwise,” Karla giggled, setting her book down to look at  **Litio** , “Now it’s your turn. I hope you’re not angry that I’m trying to give you both equal attention.”

“Go take a break. Leave us alone for a while. I only teach music one-on-one.”  **Litio** beckoned Cambia to move, taking her seat as she begrudgingly took his.

“Strict, are we? Guess I’ll wait and watch over here. But it seems our  _ fancy musician _ is becoming a romantic.” She grumbled as she drummed her fingers on the cover of her book, snickering at his eye roll.

“Now, you gotta have the basics down before you can learn any fingering. I wrote down a little trick to remember the scales that helps better than anyone else’s.” He pressed, producing a folded piece of paper from his pants pocket. 

“I think I know my scales by now.” Karla countered, gingerly unfolding the paper anyway.

“Still wouldn’t hurt to read it.”

She cleared her throat before reading aloud, “ _ A re _ , I’m here to argue for Tendo’s love;  _ B mi _ , Karla, take him for your husband,  _ C fa ut _ , he loves with all affection;  _ D sol re _ , I have one clef but only two notes;  _ E la mi _ , have pity on me or I’ll die.

“You call that a scale? I don’t like it or these new methods. I prefer the old fashioned way.”

Lars appeared out of nowhere, startling the tutors as he opened the door. However, he was unphased, too occupied with the request he was going to make and planning ahead for what it pertained to

“Karla, your sister’s wedding is tomorrow so I’d like for you to come help in decorating.” He said plainly, his daughter immediately getting up to follow him.

“Au revoir, dear teachers.” She smiled over her shoulder.

“If you’re leaving, I should too.”  **Cambia** announced, nearly tripping as she got to her feet and joined the procession, closing the door behind her.

“Well, I guess I need to look more closely at that Cambia girl,”  **Litio** stated once alone, “She’s acting like a lady in love. If Karla would go for anyone she sees, then to hell with her. Whoever wants her can have her and if she starts slipping, I’m going in. End of story.”

Satisfied with his revelation, he put the guitar in its case and saw himself out, determined to watch from the sidelines. 

* * *

Saturday morning, the entire company collected at temple, save the groom. Hermann stood beneath the chuppah, in fine laces that had been gifted by Newton, with the rabbi trying to keep his composure and not crumple to the ground weeping. He had correctly guessed that Newt would abandon him as a sick joke and it seemed everyone was beginning to join in his sentiment, awkwardly exchanging glances between themselves and the door. 

“Ms. Pentecost, it’s meant to Hermione and Newton’s wedding day yet there’s been no sign of the other bride,” Lars proclaimed as he made his way to  **Vanessa** ’s side, “People will talk if there is no bridegroom for the rabbi to conduct the ceremony with. Think of the humiliation…”

“The humiliation is all mine,” Hermann choked, attempting to turn his melancholy into his usual anger, “You forced me to accept this woman-- this  _ con artist _ in a hurry to be engaged-- against my will. I knew he had no intention of marrying me and I explicitly told you. It’s all a joke, a scheme. 

“Pretending to be a simple, backward woman only to amuse his friends, even going as far as falsely proposing to women but never following through. Setting a date, sending invitations, never making it to the altar, all part of his elaborate plan. Only so people will point at me and say, ‘There’s the wife of that comedian Newton-- if he could be bothered to marry such a pathetic thing!’”

His voice was cracking by the end of his rant but everyone diverted their attention from it and the tears prickling his eyes, for his sake. Feeling too guilty about the situation,  **Vanessa** sprinted over and took his hands in hers, the gesture being hesitantly accepted when Hermann noticed she was just trying to be helpful and consoling.

“I assure you, Hermann, Newton means well. He’s rough at the edges and likes a good joke, but he’s a good woman, not a liar. I’m sure there’s just something delaying him.” She comforted, rubbing her thumbs over the back of his hands.

“Perhaps, but I still wish I never laid eyes on him…” He sobbed, briskly shuffling out of the room a hiding place to bawl in.

Karla was the first to run after him, hoping some sisterly love would cheer him up,  **Cambia** and **Litio** following suit. Unluckily for the trio, Hermann had hobbled into the bathroom and barred the stall he sat in with his cane, refusing to open the door for anyone one of them. Meanwhile, Lars was murmuring to himself about Hermann’s horrid behavior when Raleigh, the scruffy blonde he somewhat recognized, came galloping in and looking for  **Vanessa** . 

“ **_Vanessa_ ** , I’ve got news-- Old news now but I’m sure you haven’t heard it.” He coughed, out of breath despite being a fit young man. 

“How can you have  _ old _ news?” Lars questioned before  **Vanessa** had the chance to open her mouth.

“Is it not news that Newton’s coming?” Raleigh sniffed.

“Is she here?”

“No, sir.” 

“What do you have to say then?” Lars interrogated, growing impatient with his slowness.

“He is coming.” Raleigh answered dryly.

“And when will she be here?” 

“When he stands here and sees you.” Raleigh shrugged back.

“So what is the old news?”  **Vanessa** inquired, curious where he was going with this.

“Well, that’s the thing,” Raleigh conveyed, gesturing with his hands, “Newt  _ is _ coming. But, in a new veil and an old dress with a frayed skirt; unmatched shoes, one flat and one buckled-up high heel; actual dagger tucked into his dirty garter belt; old pantyhose with holes chewed in them; not to mention every ailment in the book.”

“Who’s accompanying her?” Lars asked, growing nauseated. 

“Just his friend Chuck. He pretty much just hopped on the train, looking like a walking disaster. It’s honestly freakish.” Raleigh shuddered thinking about it.

“He must be in a strange mood to dress in such fashion-- but he does have an unusual sense of style in general.”  **Vanessa** posited, trying to look for the silver lining. 

“However she’s dressed, I’m grateful she’s coming at all.” Lars sighed.

“Except he’s  _ not _ coming.” Raleigh backtracked.

“I thought you said she  _ was _ ?” Lars furrowed his brows, utterly confounded.

“Who? Newt?”

“ _ Yes _ , Newton.”

“No, I said his train was coming. With him in it.” Raleigh corrected. 

“Well, that’s the same thing.” Lars opposed, irritation with  _ his _ backward nature bubbling up.

“A person and a train aren’t the same--”

With a great vigor, the synagogue door slammed open hard enough to shake the walls and everyone remaining in the pulpit turned to see who could have done such a thing. In waltzed-- well, tripped-- Newton, wearing a dress that was too big even for him, the bust falling off his own and threatening to flash someone, staggering with each step due to the height difference of his shoes. His hair was more of a mess than usual beneath his veil and he truly looked like he was being afflicted by every disease imaginable, only surviving on sheer willpower.

“Whoa! Where is everyone?” He asked nobody in particular.

“My, my. I see you finally showed.” Lars responded condescendingly.

“I don’t  _ feel _ good.” Newt groaned, straightening and pushing the dress bodice to his chest.

“I see no limp.”

“However,  _ I _ feel you should be dressed more formally.”  **Vanessa** added, telling him the thought on everyone’s mind. 

“I think it’s better this way. But that’s beside the point. Where’s Herm? Where’s my lovely bride? How’s my father-in-law,” Newt rambled, too many questions spinning in his head, “What’s everyone staring at? You look like you saw someone with three heads.”

“I’ll be frank,” Lars explained, “It’s your wedding day but we were concerned you wouldn’t show and it’s even more concerning to find you so underprepared. Truthfully, it’s disgraceful for a woman of your status to wear such a get-up, especially to a ceremony like this.”

“Might I ask what extraordinary occurrence made you so late to your own wedding and drove you to present yourself this way?”  **Vanessa** inquired curiously. 

“It’s a long story that nobody wants to hear,” Newt barked, “But I’m here now and I can explain everything later. I still want to know where Hermann is. We’re wasting time right now when we should be getting on with the ceremony.”

“No, no. You can’t greet your bride in  _ that _ . Go to my room and put on one of my suits.” Vanessa insisted.

“Nope. I’ll see him in this.”

“You can’t seriously be planning on marrying her in what you’re wearing.” Lars scoffed. 

“But I am. Anyway, he’s marrying  _ me _ , not my clothes,” Newt retorted, “Though I’m sure he’ll wear me out quicker than I wear out this outfit-- which is good for him, better for me. Oh, what am I doing? I should go say good morning to my bride and get a loving kiss.”

Smiling to himself, he scampered off the best he could, Chuck hustling to follow him as he had been holding the train of his dress the entire time. Utterly bewildered, Lars, Vanessa, and Hannibal exchanged a bone-chilling glance, wondering what they had gotten themselves into. Fortunately, the trio who had run after Hermann reappeared, presumably having been unsuccessful in coaxing him out or having left him in the care of Newt. In either case, the silence and tension were growing too thick so somebody needed to speak soon or they’d all die in obscurity.

“There must be a reason for that frivolous outfit. Perhaps I can convince him to change into something more appropriate.”  **Vanessa** offered, half interested in pulling through with it.

“Don’t worry yourself. I’ll go make sure it happens.” Lars replied before sauntering off, Hannibal at his heel.

Left alone with her companions,  **Vanessa** pulled  **Cambia** and Raleigh outside by their hands, hoping to find a space where they were totally alone and wouldn’t be overheard. They had only gotten a few paces out of the door when  **Cambia** abruptly stopped and crossed her arms, wanting to know what was so secret  **Vanessa** needed to pull them outside for it.

“Vanessa, you need the father’s consent  _ and _ her love, as you know,”  _ Mako _ reminded her, “So, I need to tell you that I’m looking for someone-- anyone-- who can pose as your father and guarantee the dowry. This way, you can marry Karla with her father’s consent  _ and _ the least amount of hassle.”

“If the other tutor wasn’t watching her so closely, I’d think about eloping and not care what anyone else had to say because she’d be  _ mine _ .”  _ Vanessa _ sighed, partly caught in a romantic daydream. 

“Don’t worry. I’m on top of the entire situation.” Mako comforted her, patting her shoulder. 

Suddenly, the temple door swung open, narrowly missing Raleigh, to reveal a disgruntled and pale Hannibal. Having doffed his sunglasses for formal reasons, it was much easier to see the disgust swirling in his eyes, though they also appeared frightened like he had just had a paranormal experience. He walked a little ways past the companions and opted to stand closer to the street before any of them had the nerve to speak to him.

“Mr. Chau, are you coming from the ceremony?”  **Vanessa** questioned almost inaudibly.

“Quicker than I’ve come from anything else…” He coughed, staring out at nothing.

“Will the bride and bridegroom be here soon?” She further asked.

“ _ Bridegroom _ ,” He chuckled, finally turning towards her, “That poor girl is starting to realize just how bad he is.”

“You mean to say  _ he _ ’s worse? That can’t be possible.”

“Oh no, Geiszler’s a devil, a  _ real _ devil.” 

“But it’s Hermann who is supposed to be a devil. The devil’s grandmother even.”  **Vanessa** cried, perplexed by this new information.

“No, no, no. He’s a  _ lamb _ compared to Geiszler,” Hannibal attested, horrified by the words about to come out of his mouth, “Picture this: The rabbi asked if Hermann would have him, Geiszler yelled, ‘Fuck yes!’ and swore so loud the rabbi dropped the marriage contract. Everybody froze and when the rabbi tried to pick it up, the lunatic groom smacked him so hard he and the paper went flying. Then had the audacity to say, ‘Pick them up if you dare’.”

“What did Hermann say when the rabbi got up?”  **Vanessa** wondered aloud. 

“He just stood and trembled as Geiszler continued to make a fool of himself. Called for the wine they’re supposed to say a blessing over only to hardly let Hermann have a taste, chugging it down and throwing the last few drops in the gabbai’s face because he ‘seemed to be begging for it’. Then he forcefully shoved the ring on Hermann’s finger and hung around his neck to kiss him so hard that the noise echoed after they both pulled away. That’s where I had to walk away. Damn disgraceful…”

Through the door, the faint sound of music and singing could be heard, indicating that the ceremony was over. The four patrons loitering outside collectively imagined that Newton smashed the traditional bottle so hard he cut his foot and likely Hermann’s while he was at it, a detail that would have to be learned later once the couple emerged. Soon enough, the wedding procession exited the synagogue, headed by a jovial Newt and a petrified Hermann desperately clutching his arm, the rest of the family and  **Litio** on their tail. Hermann seemed to soften slightly as Newt stopped them near the curb and envelop his arms around his waist, prompting Hermann to wrap his arms loosely around his neck in return. Newt was a bit starry-eyed and slowly became unwilling to leave once he temporarily rested his head on Hermann’s collarbone but he knew he had to or his plan would fall through.

“Friends, family, thanks for bothering to come,” He announced, “I know you wanted me to stay for the celebratory dinner but I’m needed elsewhere, so I should say goodbye.”

“Surely you’re not thinking of leaving tonight?” His new father-in-law inquired, almost offended he would go so soon.

“Not tonight-- today. If you knew why, you’d tell me to go,” Newt divulged, “So, thank you to everyone for coming to see me marry this sweet, patient wife. Eat together and drink to me while I go.”

“Please, you must stay until after dinner.”  **Vanessa** pleaded. 

“No can do.”

“What about as a favor to me?” Hannibal appealed.

“Nope.”

“As a favor to  _ me _ ?” Hermann finally spoke, a dreaded desire of wanting his  _ wife _ to stay growing in his chest. 

“I’m delighted.” Newt grinned, fluttering his eyelashes.

“Delighted to stay?” Hermann queried weakly. 

“No, delighted to hear you ask. I couldn’t stay if I wanted.” Newt responded, reaching up to cup Hermann’s cheek and run his thumb over his lip.

“If you loved me, you’d stay.” Hermann sniffed, allowing himself to lean into the hand. 

“Chuck, get our tickets.” Newt called over his shoulder as his hand remained on Hermann’s cheek.

“Already good to go.” Chuck reported blankly.

“Fine then, do what you’d like,” Hermann growled, smacking Newt’s hand away and stamping down his cane, “ _ I’m _ not leaving today--  _ or _ tomorrow. I’ll leave when I’m good and ready. Bugger off if you’re already going to be an arrogant and arbitrary wife!” 

“Come on, Herm. Don’t be angry.” Newt pouted, genuinely dismayed by his agitation.

“I  _ will _ be angry. What business do you have--” Hermann snarled, wagging his cane, pointing at Lars when he tried to open his mouth, “--Father, be quiet. He’ll stay as long as I say.” 

“Here it goes!” Hannibal laughed.

“Company, on to the bridal dinner. I see a woman may be made a fool of if they don’t have the nerve to stand up for themselves.” Hermann demanded as he began to walk away.

“ _ They’ll _ go to the bridal dinner,” Newt reiterated, grabbing his hand and twirling him in close, “Listen to the bride and go have some fun! As for  _ you _ , my dear Hermann, you’re coming with me. You all can huff and puff but he’s  _ mine _ , in the same way my possessions are mine. So I  _ dare you _ to touch him! I’ll sue everyone in Munich if they try to stand in my way!” 

With a swiftness nobody realized he had, he picked up Hermann bridal style, which was very fitting for the occasion. Hermann immediately blushed, not having expected to be scooped up or how strong Newt’s arms were, despite being almost shorter than average. He just curled around his wife, face flushed, looking up at Newt’s smirk with hazy eyes and his heart pounding out of his chest.

“Chuck, watch yourself. We’re surrounded by  _ thieves _ ,” Newt bellowed, fixing his arms so that he held Hermann tighter, “Don’t be afraid, sweet Herm, I won’t let them touch you. I’ll protect you.”

He pressed a gentle kiss to Hermann’s forehead and kicked his shoes off before he and Chuck dashed off, presumably to the station to catch the next train. Everyone remaining was left baffled by the scene and considered following them, just to see what else would play out. In fact, Hannibal and  **Litio** almost did but Lars halted them.

“No, no. Let them go. Certainly a peaceful couple…” He encouraged, placing his hands behind his back.

“If they didn’t leave soon, I was going to die laughing.” Hannibal admitted, snickering to himself. 

“They’re certainly one of the most interesting matches out there…”  **Vanessa** muttered. 

“What’s your opinion of your sister now?”  **Cambia** inquired, looking to Karla. 

“He’s married a woman mad enough to match his own madness.” Karla slowly nodded.

“I guarantee you Geiszler’s going to suffer.” Hannibal predicted, projecting everyone’s thoughts.

“Well, there is no reason to miss dinner just because the brides aren’t here,” Lars declared, “ **Vanessa** , you may take Newton’s seat and Karla, Hermione’s.”

“So Karla will practice being a bride?” Vanessa sought.

“Indeed, she shall. Come along everyone.”

And so, the rest of the party partook in their dinner reservations, eating a hearty meal and enjoying each other’s company, hardly sparing a thought about what the new wives were up to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh yeah,,, for the 'i see a woman may be made a fool...' bit i. used they/them pronouns to be... more inclusive i guess??? idk,,, feel free to dox me for not carrying the he/him lesbianism,,,


	4. Act 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermann gets his first taste of marriage // Tendo drops out of the race // Newt continues to make Hermann miserable // Lars meets fake!Stacker // Newt finally triumphs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was so happy to be done with this chapter (because 34 pages split between 5 scenes is a real ass kicker) only to realize i forgot scene 5,,, ANYWAY,,, this fic keeps getting worse the longer i write it but at least i'm almost done :|

Within hours of the wedding, Chuck found himself back in Berlin, slamming a cab door as he exited in front of the Geiszler mini mansion. His clothes were soaked and he was chilled to the bone from a bout of rain that passed through when he and the newlyweds emerged from Berlin central station. The reason the lunatics hadn’t been in the cab with him was because Newton had insisted on treating Hermann to a walk around the city and sent Chuck on ahead to make sure the house was warm and their dinner ready. Unfortunately, it had only contributed to his seething and grumbling.

“To hell with malfunctioning trains, crazy bosses, and bad roads! Has anyone ever been so beaten or so soaked or so tired as me,” He ranted to himself as he sauntered up the driveway, “‘ _ Go on ahead and warm the house _ ’ she says… Good thing I heat up quick or I’d be frozen to my boots and I wouldn’t thaw out by time they got here.”

Stomping his hardy combat boots on the steps leading to the front door, he rubbed his hands together to heat them up before curling a fist and rapping on the door. With no immediate reply, he knocked again and took it upon himself to shout through it.

“Hey! Aleksis! Hellooo!” He hollered, hearing shuffling come towards the door.

“Who is it?” The person on the other side called back.

“A piece of ice. Now let me in and get a fire going.” Chuck hooted, being met by a tall man with a thick beard.

“Are Newton and his wife coming?” Aleksis asked from behind the ajar door, only for Chuck to slither his way through the crack. 

“Yeah, so hurry up and start the fire.” Chuck barked as he doffed his soiled combat jacket and hung it on the rack by the door. 

“Is she as fiery as they say?” Aleksis inquired with piqued interest, kneeling to place a block of wood in the central fireplace. 

“She was before the blasted rain… But you know how it dampens men, women, and beasts.” Chuck huffed, sitting on the arm of the living room sofa for a moment.

“Are you insinuating I’m a beast,” Aleksis turned to him with a glare after dousing the log in lighter fluid, “You’re no taller than three inches.”

“Three inches? Really,” Chuck scoffed, crossing his arms, “Your  _ horn _ is a foot long and I’m at least that size. Now are you going to light the fire or suffer through listening to the new wife? I think  _ that’s _ more chilling.” 

Aleksis just shook his head and set the log ablaze, coming around to sit on the sofa, wondering, “How is the outside world?”

“Cold, Alex,  _ very _ cold.” Chuck nodded, rubbing his hands together again.

“Go on, tell me more. Give me the news.” 

“ _ What _ news do you mean?” Chuck asked sarcastically. 

“You’re  _ so _ funny. You know what I mean.” Aleksis quipped back.

“I think I’m getting delirious,” Chuck said instead, standing up and rubbing his face, “Is dinner ready yet? The house cleaned? Everyone dressed? Everything laid out,  _ in order _ ?”

“Yes, yes. So tell me what’s happened.” Aleksis pressed, eager to hear what’s been going on since Newton left. 

“Well, the ride tired me out and the newlyweds have already had a falling out.” 

“How?”

“From their feet into the wet street-- but that’s a whole ‘nother story.” Chuck retorted, half wanting to tell him, half wanting to hold off.

“Then tell it, Hansen.”

“Lean over.”

Aleksis complied only for Chuck to smack him across the face, though his jaw was too strong to budge. Before the red mark could even form, he had a death grip on Chuck’s wrist and his teeth clenched. 

“This is  _ feeling _ the news, not hearing it.” He muttered, letting the wrist fall as he returned to his original position. 

“It’s ‘sensitive’ news. Besides, I needed to see if anyone was home in there,” Chuck snickered, “So, anyway. We were coming down a street with a little bit of slope, the wife behind Newt, when they both suddenly slipped into a massive puddle. Then Newt tried to blame it all on  _ me _ and fight me over it, only for her wife to try to pull her off while she was swearing at me. A lot of things happened within minutes but I’ve already pushed most of it out of my head.”

“Sounds like he’s the bigger shrew…”

“Yeah, and you’ll all see it once they get here-- Speaking of… Call everyone in. Tell ‘em to clean up, straighten their coats, make sure their outfits match. Are they all ready?” Chuck requested, earning a hum in reply. 

“Good, call them in.”

As his command, Aleksis got to his feet and walked to the center of the circular atrium that was down the hall from the living room. There were several doors built into its walls and one of the ones on his left was open, allowing access to the kitchen and other similar quarters, Figuring that everyone else was still in that general vicinity, he hung in the doorway to call for them.

“Sasha,  _ заходи _ ! Cheung, Hu, Jin,  _ guò lì _ !*” 

The four workers he called to came running at his beckoning, trying their best not to scuff the shiny floor with their shoes. The first to come was Sasha, Aleksis’ lovely wife, who came to his side and gave him a kiss on the cheek before stepping closer to Chuck. In her wake were the Wei triplets, cheeky grins painted on all of their faces, happy to see that Chuck was home and Newton was soon following. 

“Welcome home, Chuck.” Sasha greeted.

“What’s up Chuck?” Cheung exclaimed.

“Hey Chuck!” Hu uttered.

“My man Chuck!” Jin cheered.

“Hello, hello, and hello to all of you. ‘S everything ready and in order?” Chuck interrogated, predicting the wives would appear soon.

“Everything’s ready,” Sasha assured him, “How soon will Newton arrive?”

“Any minute-- Shit, I hear her coming now.” He responded.

Seconds later, Newt slammed the door open, brows furrowed under his flattened hair, soaked even worse than when Chuck left him. Hermann was timidly hiding behind him, hand balled in the back of his ruined dress, peeking over Newt’s head with curious eyes and flushed cheeks. 

“Where. Are. Those. Bastards,” Newt growled, “Why was nobody outside to greet me? Where is everyone?”

“Over here!” They answered in unison.

“‘ _ Over here _ ’... You savage idiots! No service, no respect, no attention… Where’s the dumbass I sent ahead?” He squawked. 

“Here, being a dumbass as usual.” Chuck rolled his eyes.

“You motherfucker… You  _ absolute _ dipshit… I told you to meet me outside with all of these morons!” Newt seethed.

“Everyone was a mess but they managed to clean up and get ready to welcome you.” Chuck countered, growing irritation with  _ his _ agitation.

“Whatever, you dunces… Just bring my dinner…” Newt murmured, pulling Hermann, who politely waved to others, with him to the dining room. 

It was a decent sized dining room, reminding Hermann of his grandparents’ home in the countryside, and it was elegantly lit with a crystal chandelier, leaving him wondering where Newt’s family got the money to afford such a home. Newt was still fuming beside him but seemingly trying to calm down, momentarily leaning his head on Hermann’s shoulder before pulling out a chair for him to sit in.

“Sit down, Herm, make yourself at home.” He said softly, eyeing the triplets who were bringing their dinner. 

Hermann looked at him with hesitation but took up the offer, needing to get off his bad leg anyway. He hooked his cane onto the back of his chair, held in a divet between the arch and a railing of the backing, crossing his legs neatly. Newt sat down roughly beside him and grabbed the hand nearest to him, kissing its first knuckles.

“Smile, dear. Be happy.” He urged, the romantic in him trying to leap out but needing to be suppressed for his scheme to work.

Letting go of Hermann’s hand, he pulled a leg into his chair and bent it to reach his stocking, subsequently pulling it off and throwing it over his shoulder. He did the same for the other leg, horrifying Hermann to watch such an informal display, however uncouth Newt was normally. One of the workers, whose name Hermann had yet to find out, nearly slipped on the discarded fabric, threatening to drop the plate in her hand and send its contents flying. 

“Someone bring me a drink, beer preferably,” Newt started to ramble, throwing around too many questions and orders, “Where’s my dog Darwin? And my cousin Elias-- You’ll love this guy, Herm-- Hey, wait, where are my slippers?”

In looking around for his slippers, he bent over to check the floor, only to have a leg slam into his head and spill soup everywhere. Enraged once again, he stood to his full height, beginning to square off with the culprit-- one of the boys who looked identical to each other-- and raise his fist to strike him. Panicked, Hermann jumped to his knees in his seat, gripping Newt’s bicep, who immediately looked over his shoulder at him. 

“Calm down, Newton! Please. It was only an accident.” He pleaded meekly, hoping his wife would have mercy.

“He’s a son of a bitch, a moron, and a jerk,” Newt huffed before sitting again with a sigh, “‘m sorry, Herm. I’m sure you're starving. Come on, let’s eat-- Is this lamb?” 

The boy who had spilled the soup paused his cleaning of himself to nod, fuelling Newt’s fire once again.

“And who brought it out?”

“I did.” replied his brother.

“It’s burnt. All of it’s burnt. Where’s that dimwit of a cook? I’d like to have a few words with him. Take it all back,” Newt hissed, shoving plates and other utensils off the table, “Take everything back. Imbeciles, every last one of you!” 

“Please calm down, dear. The meat would have been fine if you had eaten it.” Hermann begged, grasping his hand. 

“No, no, no,” Newt corrected, cupping his hand in both of his own, “It was burnt and dry. I couldn’t eat it; it would have made me sick and that would make me mad. Probably better for us hotheads to go a night without eating rather than risk eating overcooked meat. But I’ll straighten it out tomorrow. Come on, I’ll show you your room.”

The pair carefully stepped over the abandoned food and cutlery on the ground, Newt having to help Hermann over a pile by lifting his waist at one, exiting the dining room in search of the stairs. As they treaded to the second floor, the workers stared blankly at each other as they tried to discern what just happened. 

“What was all that?” Sasha asked, finally breaking the silence. 

“A taste of her own medicine.” Hu replied, shudder running down his spine.

“Where’d she go?” Chuck queried as he stepped into the room, noticing the food everywhere. 

“To the wife’s room to lecture her on virtues and other silly matters,” Aleksis answered as he entered behind him, “He’s ranting and swearing and she’s not quite sure how to respond, sitting there dazed. Watch out, he’s coming.” 

Everyone scattered, not really caring where they were going as long as it wasn’t anywhere in the front of the house. Hermann was left exasperated upstairs in his bedroom, exhausted by Newt’s incessant talking and continuing to push down the fever itch for romance that he’d been harboring since their first kiss, knowing it was too impossible to happen, especially with how things were already going. Newt merrily bounded down the stairs to be alone in the front sitting room and speak aloud the soliloquy he had queued up in his head pertaining to his plan. 

“Well, everything seems to be working out pretty well and I have every hope of succeeding. My hawk’s hungry and won’t be fed till he comes to me about it. And I plan to keep him from sleeping too-- He didn’t sleep last night and he won’t tonight if I fuss and complain until morning. It’s all out of love, of course. Killing a wife with kindness will only make them more mild and docile, which is the best way to tame a shrew.”

Pleased with himself, he poured a drink and toasted to his system, over the moon that it was working out so well. He downed the brandy in the same exact way he downed the blessing wine and marched upstairs to change into something more comfortable before going to torture Hermann. All the while, Hermann’s fragile heart continued to yearn and wish for something more than babbling, something he expected he wouldn’t get.

* * *

A few days later,  **Vanessa** found herself convening with the enemy-- well, former enemy-- and listening to  **Litio** describe the behavior of his fellow tutor and the student they were pining for.  **Vanessa** was trying her best to hear him out but it was still baffling to hear, even if it was only half genuine. They sat together on the Gottliebs’ living room sofa as they talked, both waiting for the other pair to arrive from Karla’s room.

“It is impossible,  **Litio** . There is no way Karla could prefer anyone but me.” She shook her head.

“You want proof? I hear them coming down the hall so just sit there and watch them.” He retorted, Karla and  **Cambia** coming out right on cue and stepping into the kitchen to continue their conversation.

“So what have you learned from your reading?”  **Cambia** asked, hopping onto the counter as Karla poured them lemonade. 

“First I want to know what  _ you’re _ reading.” Karla smiled as she handed her a glass. 

“The best book I know:  _ The Art of Love _ .” 

“I hope you’re an expert in the field, then.” Karla chuckled, taking a sip from her own cup.

“In any case, you’re the mistress of my heart.”  **Cambia** swiftly grabbed her free hand and brought it to her lips to kiss its knuckles.

“See? How do you explain that? Clearly,  _ you’re _ not the favorite.”  **Litio** whispered over his shoulder to Vanessa.

“Unbelievable! Absolutely unbelievable!”  **Vanessa** hissed back.

“Because I’m tired of the charade, I gotta come clean. I’m not a musician at all. And my name is actually Tendo, Tendo Choi.” He confessed, Vanessa blinking at him for a moment.

“Mr. Choi, I’ve heard a lot about your devotion to Karla. And I’m willing to back out of this race with you, given what we just witnessed.” She proposed, honored by his bravery to quit while he was ahead.

“Look at how they kiss then carry on,” Tendo shook his head, gesturing as  **Cambia** and Karla kissed each other on the cheeks, “I’ll cut you a deal. I’m swearing off continuing to play this game. Not worth the time and effort.” 

“And I make the same promise. I will not marry her, even if she begged me to. They are too busy being wrapped up in each other.” Vanessa scoffed, extending her hand to solidify the deal. 

He accepted her offer and shook her hand before stating, “Would have been better for all of us if we quit earlier. Anyway, I’m not going to back out on my promise, especially because there’s a wealthy widow waiting on me. We’re gonna get married in a few days and I’m going to look for the goodness in women, not their beauty, from now on. Best of luck to the rest of you. I’m out.”

Relieved that he didn’t have to keep up the act anymore, Tendo patted  **Vanessa** on the shoulder and got to his feet, strolling out the door and closing it behind him loud enough to startle Karla and Cambia. Once he was gone, they looked over at Mako, who was trying her hardest not to laugh. 

“Miss Karla, I hope you are blessed with all the happiness you deserve,” She cleared her throat, “But Tendo and I truly are giving up the lie. You’ve been caught out.”

“Mako! Have you both really given up?” Karla playfully whined, squeezing Vanessa’s knee.

“Yes, ma’am.” Mako nodded, coming to join them in the kitchen.

“So  _ Litio’s _ out of the picture.” Vanessa snickered, covering Karla’s hand with her own.

“He said he was going to go and court a young widow.” Mako explained.

“Good for him!” Karla happily raised her glass in a mock toast. 

“He also said he’s going to tame her.”

“Oh really now?”

“Yes. He’s gone to study at the ‘school of taming’.” Mako giggled.

“The ‘school of taming’? Is that even real?” Karla queried.

“Indeed. Run by Newton, who teaches tips and tricks for taming shrews and their tongues.”

Out of the blue, the front door, which had seemingly been left unlocked, swung open and in came Raleigh, out of breath as usual. There was a new figure coming in and out of focus from behind the outside doorframe, presumably not wanting to come in until invited. That was an interesting scene in and of itself but Raleigh was more urgent to be dealt with.

“Okay, so,” He coughed, “Give me a minute… I’ve been on the lookout for someone to play a fake Stacker and I think I finally found someone.”

“What does he look like, Raleigh?” Mako inquired, cocking an eyebrow.

“A merchant or something. Not entirely sure but his clothes are respectable and he seems old enough to be Vanessa’s father.” 

“How do you feel about him, Mako?” Vanessa wondered aloud, rubbing her thumb over the back of Karla’s hand, which was still in hers.

“I think it could work if he buys my story and vouches for you to Mr. Gottlieb. Leave him to me.” Mako insisted, shooing her and Karla off with a gesture. 

The couple acquiesced and skipped off to Karla’s room, letting Mako do her thing. Mako put her hands behind her back and meandered to Raleigh’s side, who led her out to face the man he had brought along, closing the door behind them. The man was tall and blonde with a hardened face, creased from years of military service or something of the sort. He looked more like Raleigh’s father than Mako’s but anything was better than not having a potential option, especially because he was already in front of her.

“Good afternoon, ma’am.” The man greeted in a thick Australian accent. 

“Good afternoon, sir,” Mako, slipping back into  **Vanessa** mode, nodded in return, “Welcome. Are you going far or is this your destination?”

“This is it for now. Then in a week or two I’ll be off to Dresden and on to Hamburg from there.” 

“Might I ask where you’re from?”

“Sydney originally, but I’ve been in Frankfurt the past few years.” The man remarked, seeming to be very polite natured.

“Frankfurt, sir? Oh my, I would hope not,”  **Vanessa** feigned horror, “And coming to Munich? Do you intend to get yourself killed?”

“Killed? Why? That’s a little extreme, innit?” The man sniffed, astounded.

“Haven’t you heard? It’s a capital offense for anyone from Frankfort to come to Munich because the mayors are feuding. There are signs up all over the city but I imagine you haven’t seen them.”  **Vanessa** described to him.

“Oh dear… This is bad, very bad. I have promissory notes from Dusseldorf that need to be delivered.” He swallowed, growing concerned.

“Do not worry, I will help you out of this situation. But first I have to ask if you’ve ever been to London.”

“London? Been there a few times, yeah. “

“Have you ever met or heard of a man named Stacker Pentecost?”

“Heard of him but never met him. Very wealthy merchant, isn’t he?” The man questioned, some color coming back into his face.

“He is my father and I must say you look a little like him.”  **Vanessa** smiled. 

“As much as an apple looks like an oyster…” Raleigh muttered into his elbow, pretending that he was coughing. 

It took every bit of  **Vanessa** ’s willpower not to elbow him or hit him some other way, since if he had been any louder, everything would have blown over. But, it seemed she had her hooks in the poor fellow and could wrangle him into their strategy if Raleigh could keep his mouth shut. 

“In an effort to preserve your life, I propose a solution: Given that you look like Mr. Pentecost, we’ll pass you off as him with his name and reputation. Then you can stay in my home for as long as you need if you keep up the act.”  **Vanessa** propositioned, returning to her small grin.

“Then I gladly accept. And I’ll be eternally grateful.” The man held out his hand for her to shake, clasping hers with both hands when she took it.

“Wonderful. Come with me and we’ll sort everything out. I imagine my father himself will be coming any day to vouch for me regarding a dowry but I’ll fill you in on the whole situation.” She affirmed.

Another actor secured, Vanessa walked with him to her hotel, revealing every little detail about the situation she was in and everything he needed to know about the real Stacker, Raleigh following a few paces behind them. 

* * *

The Friday before Karla’s wedding, Hermann was absolutely miserable because of the way his wife had been treating him since they got home. He was skinny on a regular basis but not eating anything for several days, save minute morsels he could find stashed away, was making his skin even more taut to the bone. With no clothes of his own in the Geiszler home, he was forced to wear old clothes of Newt’s that were too small for him yet still a little large on Hermann. Chuck, who stood as Hermann laid dejectedly in bed, waiting for Newt to come bustling in at any moment, felt some genuine pity for him as it all seemed a little extreme, no matter how ridiculous Newt or his plan was, but it was necessary for the process.

“Listen, I really can’t. She’d kill me.” He insisted, opposing the request Hermann had just made of him.

“The more I suffer, the more spiteful he becomes,” Hermann sighed, picking at a loose thread in his oversized cardigan, “Did he marry me just to starve? At home beggars are given charity by my father or someone else, but here I’ve become the beggar. I’m so starved my stomach is eating itself, I’m dizzy with lack of sleep, kept awake by incessant swearing and brawling. What irks me the most, however, is he claims it’s all out of love, though I’d end up keeling over before his love could save me. So please, give me  _ anything _ . Even the smallest bit of meat.”

“Hmmm,” Chuck hummed, trying to come up with a food that they’d likely have around, “What about calf’s foot jelly?”

“Oh, petchah would be lovely. Might I?”

“Actually, it might throw off your blood pressure,” Chuck shook his head, “Tripe, maybe?” 

“As in  _ Saure Kutteln _ ? I’d love that. Please bring me some.”

“Don’t know. Might make you too hot. Beef with mustard?”

“A favorite of mine.”

“Mustard’s probably too hot.” Chuck feigned worry.

“Then beef without the mustard.” Hermann suggested, growing irritated.

“Absolutely not. Take the mustard or get no beef.” Chuck countered.

“Then one or both or whatever you like.” Hermann groaned, feeling his stomach emitting a low rumble at the mere mention of the foods.

“How about mustard, no beef?” Chuck posited. 

“ _ Get out _ ,” Hermann growled, sitting up and grasping for his cane to whack him with, “You measly, lying  _ brute _ . You feed me only the names of food. To hell with you and the rest of your pack laughing at my misery. I said get out!” 

He could feel red hot tears at the back of his eyes as he waved Chuck away with his cane, but would have been too exhausted to hold them back had the door not opened. In came Newt, holding a tray with a decent looking plate of meat on it and looking very pleased with himself, followed by Tendo, who was grinning ear-to-ear himself.

“How’s my Herm? Feeling down, darling?” Newt asked, setting the plate on the nightstand and sitting down on the edge of the bed.

“Hello, hello, hello. How’ve you been?” Tendo greeted.

“I’ve been better…” Hermann deepily exhaled. 

“Cheer up, babe. Give us a smile,” Newt requested, putting a hand under Hermann’s chin, “See how devoted I am? I made you a meal myself, which I think deserves some thanks, sweetheart.”

Hermann refused to smile for him, instead glaring and extending no praise. His stomach was ravaging his insides but for all he knew, Newt had done something to it, like undercook it, and the thought scared him half to death. Newt appeared to notice his dismay, drawing his hand back and furrowing his brows, sharply exhaling in annoyance.

“Nothing? Guess my trouble was for nothing if you don’t want it. Let me put it away then--” He contended, getting up to grab the plate.

“No… Please leave it.” Hermann pleaded, laying a hand on his arm.

“Ah, so the smallest deed is repaid with thanks.” Newt snickered to himself. 

“Thank you.” Herman replied meekly.

“Newt, shame on you. You’re being too harsh. Hermann, I’ll join you.” Tendo offered, sitting down and patting Hermann’s knee. 

“Scarf it down yourself,” Newt whispered into Tendo’s ear before he sat, “Eat up, Herm. We’re going to your dad’s later and we’re going to wear the finest clothes we have.”

Hermann took the tray into his lap and ate quickly enough to satisfy his hunger yet slow enough to savor every bite. Every few bites he offered Tendo some out of courtesy but ate most of it himself. He sighed with relief once he finished, stomach feeling less empty than it had been, politely dabbing the corners of his mouth.

“All good now? Come with me, the tailor is down stairs waiting to show you some outfits.” Newt smirked, helping Hermann to his feet and locking arms to amble down the stairs into the living room, Chuck and Tendo on their tail. 

The tailor was a short greying man, rifling through his case for the dress he made using the instructions of Newt’s invoice, beside him a hatmaker waiting patiently in front of his own trunk. Newt sat down on the sofa first, Hermann sitting seconds later and leaning over onto him, secretly reveling in Newt’s arm being around his waist. 

“Alright, tailor, let’s see what you’ve got. You too, hatty.” Newt beckoned, both craftsmen laying their goods on the cleared coffee table for display. 

“Oh, no. Absolutely not,” He gasped, examining the hat first, “It’s cheap and nasty! Way too small. Bring me a bigger one.”

“On the contrary,” Hermann interjected, sitting up and untangling from Newt, “It’s very in fashion right now. There’s no need to bring another, dear.” 

“You’ll get one too when you’re gentle. For now--” Newt shook his head, Tendo rolling his eyes nearby.

“I believe I have the right to speak for myself. If you don’t want to listen, then plug your ears, but I will speak as freely as I like because I will express my anger or die concealing it.” Hermann barked.

“You’re right, you’re right,” Newt conceded, though unable to coax Hermann to lay against him again, “It’s a measly hat and I love you all the more for not liking it.”

“I don’t  _ care _ if you love me or not. I  _ do _ like the hat so I’ll have it or none at all.” Hermann hissed, scooting away from him and crossing his arms.

The hatter blinked in astonishment but put the hat back in his compact anyway. Seeing there was going to be no business here, he saw himself out, Chuck letting the door remain unlocked since Newt was likely going to scare off the tailor next. That guess seemed right because Newt was already making a disgusted face when the couple turned their attention to the dress before them. 

“This looks like a costume! You call this a sleeve? It looks more like a cannon. And what did you do to the skirt? It looks like it was cut like a fancy pie crust! What do you call all of this?” He blew up, leaving the poor tailor shaking in his boots.

‘ _ Seems he’s not gonna get the hat  _ or _ the dress _ .’ Tendo thought to himself.

“You told me to make it well and proper, while keeping with the current style.” The tailor tried to explain himself, despite it only making Newt fume more. 

“I remember saying all that but I didn’t say to  _ parody _ the style. You’ve lost me as a customer, get out.” He spit, smoke blowing out of his ears. 

“I’ve never seen such an elegant and well-made dress,” Hermann complimented, “Perhaps it’s just  _ you _ who thinks you can turn me into a toy of sorts?”

“Yeah, that’s it! He thinks he can make you into a toy!” Newt exclaimed.

“I believe she meant  _ you _ think so.” The tailor added.

“The arrogance of you,” Newt got to his feet, shouting, “You lying thread! You flea, you louse, you cricket! Disrespected in my own home… Get out of here, you rag, or I’ll measure you within an inch of your life with your own meter stick. You ruined his dress and I will make you  _ pay _ .”

“That’s not true I swear. I made it to the specifications that Chuck gave me.” The tailor retaliated, throwing his hands up in defense.

“I gave him the  _ materia _ l, not the order.” Chuck defended.

“Then how’d you want it made?”

“With a needle and thread. Or a sewing machine.” Chuck responded plainly.

“But you didn’t expect us to  _ cut _ the cloth?” 

“You’ve faced a lot of things, yeah?”

“Of course, I have.” The tailor nodded.

“Then don’t face off with me. You’ve bested a lot of things but not me. I asked you to  _ cut out _ the gown but not to cut it into pieces. So you  _ are _ a liar.” Chuck described.

“I have the invoice right here to prove myself.” The tailor grumbled, pulling a folded piece of paper out of the elastic pocket of his case.

“Read it.” Newt demanded, swaying on his feet.

“The invoice is a liar if I said so…” Chuck muttered under his breath. 

“‘ _ Item one, a loose-bodied dress _ ’--” The tailor read aloud.

“Nope, never said loose-bodied. Just said dress.”

“Go on.” Newt urged.

“‘ _ With a half-circle cape and a wide sleeve _ ’--”

“I’ll admit to the cape. But I said  _ two _ sleeves, by the way.” Chuck surrendered.

“‘ _ Sleeves carefully cut _ .’”

“There’s the problem.” Newt proclaimed, tapping his foot. 

“Error in the bill,” Chuck uttered, “You had better cut and sew those sleeves again or I’ll show you some combat.” 

“I stand by what I said and if this were a more fitting place, I’d prove it to you.” The tailor affirmed.

“Do your worst, little man.” Chuck squared up, only to be held back by Tendo.

“Chill out, Chuck. He wouldn’t have a chance.” 

“Well, in any case, dress isn’t for me.” Newt interrupted. 

“Well, yeah. It’s for your wife.” Chuck quipped.

Newt rolled his eyes before voicing, “Go on now. Find some other use for it.”

He continued to act furious as he paced over to Tendo, Hermann’s eyes locked on his back. He leaned up to whisper in Tendo’s ear, which only Tendo knew to say, “Tell him you’ll make sure he gets paid,” before turning to face the tailor again.

“I mean it. Take it away. Out with you.”

“I’ll walk him out.” Tendo provided, gingerly laying a hand on the tailors back as they stepped outside. 

“I’ll pay you for the dress tomorrow,” He assured, “Don’t be offended by what he said. Run along now.”

Inside, Newt sighed heavily, feigning feeling somber, falling dramatically onto the couch, head falling into Hermann’s lap. As mercurial about his emotions as Newt was, Hermann allowed it and began to run his fingers through Newt’s hair, something that was genuinely pleasurable for both of them. 

“Well, my dear Hermann,” Newt sniffled, fiddling his thumbs atop his stomach, “We’ll just have to go in these clothes. Simple but honest. Besides, the mind matters more than the clothes, right? The jay isn’t more precious than the lark because of its feathers, nor the snake better than the eel. 

“You, Herm, are worth just the same, no matter the clothes. If you see that as shameful, then put the shame on me. So let’s liven up and get ready to eat at your dad’s. Chuck, order us some train tickets. We can walk to the station on foot and easily be in Munich by lunchtime.” 

“I hate to mention it, dearest, but it’s almost two and we’ll never get there before supper.” Hermann frowned.

“It’ll be seven before I get on the train, then. Shame you’re always contradicting me. Guess we won’t go today or any day until it’s clear we’ll go when I say so.” Newt scowled, curling into a fetal position in an overreacting manner.

‘ _ Trying to control the sun, huh? _ ’ Tendo pondered as he closed the door behind him after coming back inside only to see Newt’s theatrics. 

And so, it would be a long, impatient wait for Newt to finally decide they were ready to go. In the meantime, Hermann continued to stroke his hair while everyone watched and wished for a world where they had been tender together from the beginning. Then again, it was all part of the taming process.

* * *

Back in Munich,  **Vanessa** had managed to dress the merchant Raleigh found in a similar fashion to the real Stacker and passed along the name. As they strode to the Gottliebs’ residence, she continually checked that he had the story in order and had fully assumed the role, something he assured her that he had down pat. He straightened himself into a more noble stance and fixed his suit when they came to the apartment door, willing to overact if it helped the situation they were in.

“Sir, this is the apartment. Would you like me to ring?”  **Vanessa** asked, one hand half raised.

“Certainly. Unless I’m mistaken, Mr. Gottlieb might remember me from a stay at the Grand Hotel Mussmann a few years back.”  **Stacker** told her. 

“It’ll be fine as long as you act serious and play your part.” She reiterated.

“‘Course.”

Before  **Vanessa** could press the doorbell, Raleigh came trotting up the stairs to meet them, not out of breath for once. He and  **Stacker** exchanged nods to greet each other,  **Vanessa** raising her eyebrows to convey that she hoped he was ready as well.

“You’re going to play your part convincingly, yes?” She queried, needing the verbal confirmation.

“Yes. Don’t worry about it.” Raleigh attested.

“And you gave the message to Mr. Gottlieb earlier, correct?”

“Told him your dad was in Cologne and you expected him to get here today.” 

“Good. A drink on me.”  **Vanessa** smiled, rummaging through her purse to hand him money, assuming he didn’t have much on him. 

Satisfied with the validation and their positioning, she rang the door, being met with a caught off-guard Lars.  **Cambia** was sitting on the arm of the sofa, making it seem like they had been in the middle of a conversation when the doorbell rang. However, it didn’t deter the group standing outside the door as they went ahead with their script anyway.

“Mr. Gottlieb, it’s very nice to see you,”  **Vanessa** extended courteously, “This is the gentleman I told you of. I hope you’d think well of me and consider allowing me to have Karla--”

“Hush, hush,”  **Stacker** cut her off to explain himself, “If I may, sir. I came to Munich to collect some debts but my daughter  **Vanessa** here acquainted me with an even more serious matter, particularly her love for your daughter. 

“I’ve heard good things about you so I’m willing to consent on my end right away and I hope you would do the same, for the sake of their happiness. I have too much respect for you to haggle on this deal.”

“Pardon me for what I’m about to say,” Lars retorted, “I commend your frankness and brevity. It’s true your daughter loves mine and vice versa-- unless it’s all an act. Therefore, if you can assure a sufficient dowry from your daughter, we can call it a match and my consent will be given.” 

“Thank you, sir. Where should we draw up the necessary papers to settle this?”  **Vanessa** attentively inquired. 

“Not here, dear girl. Someone such as old Hannibal might be hanging around and overhear, which would interrupt us.” 

“Then my place, if you prefer. My father is staying there and we can sort everything out in private, fetch a notary and everything. The only downside is we have few refreshments on such short notice.”

“That is most acceptable,” Lars verified, “ **Cambia** , tell Karla to get ready right away and that  **Vanessa** ’s father has come to ensure that she’ll become  **Vanessa** ’s wife.” 

**Cambia** nodded and knocked on Karla’s bedroom door, slipping in to explain everything going on, including the shift in the plan. At the front door, Stacker and Vanessa stepped aside so that Lars could join them.

“Shall I lead the way,”  **Vanessa** asked, getting a nod in reply, “You’ll be very welcomed. Dinner might only be one course but we’ll make it up to you in London.” 

“Of course I’ll come with you.” Lars validated. 

The group reformed to include Lars and they marched to the stairwell to trudge down its steps to where  **Vanessa** was staying, leaving Raleigh in their wake. Somewhat hazy about what was going on now, he opened the door to the apartment and came in at the same time the real Vanessa emerged from Karla’s room, clearly in a rush.

“ **Cambia** .” Raleigh deadpanned, trying to collect his thoughts.

“What, Raleigh?”

“She laughed and winked in your direction, though you weren’t there.”

“What about it?” Vanessa cocked an eyebrow.

“Nothing. Just that she left me here to interpret her signs and signals.”

“Please educate me.” She rolled her eyes, wanting him to hurry it up. 

“Here’s the deal: We’re safe on the Lars front. He’s talking with the bogus dad about the bogus daughter.” He divulged.

“So?”

“Bring his daughter to the dinner.”

“And?”

“The old rabbi at Ohel Jakob is at your command when you’re ready.”

“And what do you make of all this?” She questioned, softening slightly. 

“Not really sure, other than I imagine they’re busy with some phony deal,” Raleigh admitted, “So this is the perfect opportunity to get the girl: take the rabbi, the gabbai, and some honest witnesses. And you’d better do it quick or say goodbye to Karla forever.”

“Listen, Raleigh--” Vanessa gasped in surprise. 

“I can’t stay. I’ve known people who have gotten married quicker so you better shoot your shot. I need to go to Ohel Jakob to tell the rabbi to be ready in case you two show up but I’ll see you then if you do.”

Worried to not get there in time, Raleigh cut the conversation short and hurried down the building stairs. Now alone, Vanessa considered her options, thinking equally with her head and her heart. It was now or never and she knew that very well.

“I just might,” She reasoned with herself, “For all I know she’ll like the idea. Hell, she’ll be pleased! Why am I lingering then? I just need to ask her straight out and not let ‘Cambia’ lose her.”

With a lovestruck smile, she skipped back to Karla’s room to properly propose.

* * *

Around the time that Vanessa was in the middle of proposing and convincing Karla to run to the temple with her, Newton and Hermann had come off their train and met up with Tendo outside the station. Luckily it was still daylight out, which made it easier to navigate the city, but Hermann was worried sick Newt would use that against him in the same way he turned everything around on him, his guess turning out right.

“We’re almost to your dad’s. My, my, look how bright and beautiful the moon is tonight!” Newt admired, looking into the sky.

“The moon? Don’t you mean the sun? It’s not evening yet.” Hermann, who had their arms locked for stability, corrected.

“No, no. It’s the moon shining so brightly.”

“I know that it’s the  _ sun _ that shines so bright.” Hermann frowned, an actual pain in his chest coming on from all the backwards talk Newt had subjected him to.

“Now, by my mother’s daughter-- me-- it’ll be a moon or star or whatever I want before I go to your father’s,” Newt huffed, stopping dead in his tracks, “Constantly contradicted and contradicted, nothing but it!”

Tendo, who had been walking behind them, let out a deep sigh and stepped to Hermann’s side, whispering, “Say what he wants or we’re never gonna leave.”

“We’ve already come this far, so let me apologize and we can continue,” Hermann implored, “I promise from now on it is whatever you’d like it to be.”

“I say it’s the moon.” Newt said dryly.

“Then I know it’s the moon.” 

“Then you’re a liar because it’s the sun.” Newt scoffed. 

“Then God be praised, it  _ is _ the sun,” Hermann admonished, trying to keep himself from growling, “But it will not change unless you say so. Whatever you want to call something, that’s what it is and what it will be to me.”

“Well, my man, you’ve won.” Tendo clapped Newt on the shoulder, realizing that his tactics had  _ finally _ worked.

“Let’s go then,” Newt smirked before leaning up to kiss Hermann’s cheek, “Just how things should be: Straight and smooth-- Hold on, someone’s coming over here.” 

Indeed someone was walking towards them with their hands behind their back, walking with a deeply rooted sense of purpose. He was a clean cut man, presumably around Lars’ age, and wore a nicely pressed suit, as well as a resting scowl. He clearly meant business and was going to ask something of them but Newt, ever the comedian, was going to have some fun first.

“Good morning, ma’am, where are you headed,” He quipped, intending to create a cloud of irony and more contradictions, “Tell me, Herm, have you ever seen a young woman who was blooming with health more than this one? Just look at the reds and whites of her complexion. What about those stars in her eyes? What a lovely young maiden.”

‘ _ That poor guy is gonna be pissed that he’s pretending he’s a woman. _ ’ Tendo thought, moving aside in case something happened.

“Fair and pure lady, where are you off to,” Hermann, dizzily caught in Newt’s web, played along, “Or should I ask where you live rather? Your parents are lucky to have such a lovely child and any man who would become your husband even luckier.”

“Oh dear, Herm, I hope you haven’t lost your mind. No maidens here-- just an older man, slightly hardened.” Newt remedied, lovingly patting his arm.

“Oh, pardon me, sir. I believe I looked up at the sun a little too long. But now I can see that you’re a refined gentleman. Do forgive my error.” Hermann blushed, moving closer to Newt to hide himself.

Newt gladly accepted his closer proximity, leaning into it, before addressing the man again, stating, “Tell us which way you’re going because we’d love the company if it was in the same direction.”

“I’ll admit you two caught me off guard at first. Anyway, my name is Stacker Pentecost. I’m visiting from London to see a daughter I haven’t spent time with in a long time.” The man explained, voice as straight edged as the rest of him. 

“What’s her name?”

“Vanessa. Vanessa Pentecost.”

“Funny coinkydink, huh? Even funnier for your daughter really,” Newt laughed, “Guess that means I can call you ‘dad’ in a legal sense-- my wife’s sister is married to your daughter. With a decent dowry, of course. Let’s go see your daughter, who’ll certainly be happy to see you.” 

“Is all of this true? Or just your way of livening of your travels-- playing pranks on people you meet?” Stacker interrogated, not entirely convinced.

“Oh no, I assure you it’s true, sir.” Tendo vouched.

“I know that first joke got you riled up but come with us and see the truth for yourself.” Newt requested.

Interest piqued, Stacker reluctantly agreed to go with the couple, striking up a conversation the moment they left. This time Tendo stood where he was and watched them warily, preoccupied with other things. Newt’s unexpected victory was boosting his confidence and prompting him to throw a little scheme of his own together.

“Good on you, Newton, for giving me all this encouragement,” He chuckled, “I think I’ll go see my widow now and make myself hard to resist.” 

Beaming with delight, he slowly stepped forward to weave his way through the city in search of his lucky woman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (*this asterisk was all the way in scene 1 but a reminder to @ me if any foreign language stuff is wrong in this fic because i only have trust yandex)
> 
> also,,, i hope it was clear enough that the merchant is herc,,, in the play he isn't given a name so i tried to roll with it,,,


	5. Act 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confrontation of Stackers // Revealing of the tamed shrew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a note i forgot to mention last chapter: just in case anyone had it spinning in the back of their mind, i’m truly Not trying to pull a “gang gets racist” and feed into that “”all black people are related”” stereotype since in this story, stacker is vanessa’s father,,, i would never intentionally insinuate that; i just found that the roles i put them in fit best but i can see where someone could potentially misinterpret it which is why i wanted to explain myself before everyone read through this chapter,,,

Once Vanessa had fully convinced Karla to go along with the secret marriage plot instead, they shared a kiss large enough to topple onto each other; luckily for them, they were already sitting on the bed when it happened. Recomposing themselves enough to get up, they scrambled to put on some nicer clothes, giggling the entire time they scoured because this was actually happening and they were soon going to be happy together. When they came out of the room after redressing, they found Raleigh resting on the sofa, likely recovering from his sprint to the synagogue. He immediately jumped to his feet and followed them outside when he opened his eyes and noticed they were ready. 

“Rabbi’s already waiting so go quickly and quietly.” He informed them, silently wishing them the best of luck. 

“Alright, alright. We’re off, Raleigh, but they may need you back home so you run along too.” Vanessa retorted.

Arms looped together, she and Karla took one last loving look at each other before scurried to the stairwell, once again gleefully giggling about getting married within the hour. Raleigh allowed himself a small smile as he watched them go but figured it might be best to oversee the ceremony then check up on the others in their hotel room. Amused with his planning, he let them get a head start before bounding down the stairs himself, totally ignoring Hannibal who had been loitering outside his own door. 

“I wonder why  **_Cambia_ ** hasn’t shown up in a while…” He wondered aloud suspiciously, deciding to covertly see where Raleigh was heading, allowing  _ him _ a head start by lurking in the shadows.

Not too far across town, Newton had led the way to where  **Vanessa** and her friends had been staying, being mindful of his wife’s bad leg the entire time they walked. Between the pain stinging in his hip and his desperate need for little spurts of public affection, Hermann was leaning heavily on his wife by time they got to  **Vanessa** ’s door but Newt wasn’t bothered by it, supporting him the best he could. Stacker was eyeing the door warily, perhaps as though he remembered helping Vanessa pick a nicer place to stay or was almost afraid to face her, looking to be a man of no fear otherwise. 

“This is the door. Vanessa’s place,” Newt interjected, “My father-in-law lives closer to the airport and since that’s where we’re heading, we should probably go.”

“Hold on a moment. At least have a drink. I’m sure you’d be welcome in the same way I’ll be.” Stacker replied before knocking, intending to be courteous. 

“You ought to knock harder. They seem pretty busy in there.” Hannibal advised, constituting out of nowhere quick enough to send a shiver down Newt’s spine. 

Before Stacker could knock again, the door opened to reveal a well-dressed man with slicked back blonde hair. He looked roughly the same age and just as stoic but that didn’t explain why he answered the door instead of Vanessa, leading to a million other questions he wanted to sort through.

“Who’s trying to break down the door?” The man asked sternly, clearly not charmed by the real Stacker’s presence. 

“Is Ms. Pentecost home?” Stacker responded politely, intending to keep an argument from taking place.

“Yes, but she can’t be disturbed right now.”

“What would you say to handing her a couple hundred pounds to use on whatever she’d like?” Stacker bargained, knowing his actual daughter would gladly jump at the chance.

“Keep your hundreds,” The man shook his head, “She won’t need them as long as I’m living.”

“I told you she was popular around here,” Newt choked out while trying to stifle his laughter, “Jokes aside, go tell Vanessa her dad’s here from London and wants to talk to her.”

“You’re lying. Her father’s already in Munich,” The man scoffed back, “In fact, he’s standing right here in the doorway talking.”

“ _ You’re _ her father?” Stacker questioned, baffled by whatever game he was playing. 

“According to her mother, yes.” 

“Yikes! Is it still a robbery if you steal someone’s name?” Newt half-heartedly quipped.

“It’s certainly fraud. Which this vagabond should be arrested for, trying to deceive everyone by using  _ my _ name.” The man answered. 

As if on cue, Raleigh stepped out of the floor’s elevator, less sweaty than normal, earning the Geiszlers and Hannibal’s attention as he came ‘round. He was still somewhat cheerful from watching Karla and Vanessa’s ceremony, continuing to wish them good luck in his head, but all delight died when he took in the scene before him. After all the work he had gone through to find a fake one, the  _ real _ Stacker was here and beginning to side-eye him, manifesting all of his fears at once.

“Hey, Stacker…” He nervously greeted, already predicting he was going to get chewed out over this.

“ _ You _ . Come here.” Stacker beckoned when he fully realized who it was. 

“Do I have a choice?”

“ _ Come. Here. _ Or have you  _ forgotten _ me, Becket?” Stacker demanded.

“Forgotten you? Of course not… Because I’ve never seen you before…” Raleigh lied through his teeth, despite just getting name-called.

“ _ Never seen me _ ? You low-life brute…”

“Yup, never seen you. The real Stacker is in the doorway.” Raleigh swallowed hard.

“Is that so?” Stacker growled.

He stepped closer to Raleigh and grabbed him vigorously by the collar, shoving him against the nearest, Raleigh holding his breath and screwing his face tight as he worried he was going to get hit or worse. The  **fake Stacker** called to Lars and  **Vanessa** from over his shoulder, prompting them to come scampering over to take a look at what was going on. Both Newt and Hermann’s eyes went wide once Raleigh was taken captive, backing away from the action at Newt’s suggestion and sitting on the floor together, Hermann in Newt’s lap, since there were no chairs for them to rest their tired feet with.

“Sir, how dare you hurt him!”  **Vanessa** asserted as she slipped into the hallway where everything was happening. 

“How dare  _ I _ ? Mako, what’s wrong with you, too? Seems my daughter and her friends have squandered my money on everything  _ but _ their education.” Stacker hissed, letting Raleigh fall back onto his feet. 

“What’s the matter?”

“Is he insane?” Lars inquired, poking his head out of the door.

“Sir, your clothes tell me that you are a respectable gentleman, but your words are saying otherwise,”  **Vanessa** stated, “What does it matter what I wear so long as my father can afford it?”

“ _ Your father _ ? Silly girl, your father was a swordsmith in Tanegashima.” Stacker corrected, putting a sarcastic emphasis on “silly girl”.

“I believe you’re quite wrong, sir,” Lars countered, “What do you think her name to be?”

“Her name is  _ Mako _ . Which I would know because I’ve raised her since she was ten years old.” 

“No, no, no. Get him out of here. This is my daughter and only heir  **Vanessa** .” cried the fake Stacker. 

“ _ Vanessa _ ? My god, what have you done with my  _ actual _ daughter?” Stacker snarled, using all of his willpower to keep himself from gripping another collar in fury. 

“Someone call the police.” Vanessa requested, though there was a pit growing in her stomach that it would actually happen. 

“Hold on, hold on. He can’t go to jail.” Hannibal posited. 

“On the contrary, I say he must.” Lars requited.

“I think you’ve been duped because I could swear this  _ is _ the real Stacker.”

“But  _ can _ you swear it?”  **fake Stacker** pressed.

Well, no. Not really.” Hannibal surrendered.

“Then you can’t say I’m  _ not _ Vanessa.”  **Vanessa** chided. 

“You’ve got me there.”

“Enough, enough. Somebody get me a phone.” Lars huffed, hunting for the one in the room.

“Unbelievable, all of this.” Stacker murmured under his breath.

Fortunately for him, the elevator doors opened once more and an interesting pair of snickering young ladies appeared, one familiar, the other not so. Knowing exactly who it was, Raleigh looked to Mako and their merchant, the revelation that the jig was up suddenly sinking in. The trio side-stepped until they came together and hustled away, leaving a clear path for Karla and Vanessa to embrace Stacker.

“Excuse us, Daddy.” Vanessa grinned, letting go of Karla’s arm to side hug her father.

“My dear girl.” He grinned in return, patting her back. 

“Father,” Karla called, poking her head into the room and catching Lars’ attention, “Pardon us.”

“Why? What have you done? Where is Vanessa?” Her father interrogated, ambling towards her. 

“ _ I  _ am Vanessa, the true daughter of the true Stacker. I covertly married your daughter while you were blinded with fake identities.” Vanessa returned, looking very proud of herself. 

“Seems we were all duped by this conspiracy.” Hannibal chuckled, shaking his head in disbelief.

“Say, isn’t this the Latin teacher Cambia?” Lars queried, beginning to recognize Vanessa without the disguise.

“Cambia transformed into Vanessa.” Karla joked, slipping her hand into Vanessa’s.

“Love performed these miracles,” Vanessa began to describe, “Karla’s love made we trade places with Mako while she pretended she was me. But now I’ve arrived happily into bliss. So pardon Mako for what she did since she did do it for my sake.”

“No, I think I’ll give her a little hell to pay if she thinks she can disrespect me like that.” Stacker insisted.

“I still would like to know if you married my daughter without my consent.” Lars furrowed his brows. 

“Don’t worry, Mr. Gottlieb. We’ll sort this out. But first, I’m going to make sure it’s known this mischief has consequences.” Stacker conveyed, taking a heavy step towards the elevator and waiting outside its doors. 

“I should like to see how far this mischief truly went myself.” Lars conceded, coming out of the room to join him.

The doors leisurely opened to reveal an empty car and the fathers departed into it, seething on equal levels about the havoc their children wreaked. The remaining company stood-- and sat-- in an uncomfortable silence, not quite sure what to say to each other, though Hermann could hear laughter trying to rumble in Newt’s ribs and clapped his hand over Newt’s mouth to keep it from coming out. Karla and Vanessa exchange a sullen look, both fearful of the repercussions of their actions, but Vanessa still flashed a consoling smile.

“Don’t worry, Karla. Your dad won’t be angry.” She assured her, squeezing her hand tighter. 

Karla simply nodded and leaned in to give her a hasty kiss before they walked to the elevator themselves, hoping that there would be a nice dinner to be held instead of their fathers brooding all night. They got on at the next opening of the doors and left the Geiszlers alone with Hannibal, who thankfully seemed more occupied with slinking in the shadows again. 

“So much for  _ my _ hopes. But at least I can join everyone else and get a hot meal out of it.” He said aloud, more so to himself than to the couple. 

His saving grace of a car came next and left Newt and Hermann alone with each other, the way it should be in a marriage. Connecting the dots between everyone gathering together and what could happen with that crowd, Hermann scrambled to get up, Newt’s having to stabilize his legs by holding his calves as he grasped for his cane. Newt used his own knees as leverage once Hermann had his balance and reached for his free hand. 

“Let’s follow them to see how this turns out.” Hermann buzzed, curiosity piqued. 

“We will, we will. But can I get a kiss first?” Newt asked timidly, heart authentically full now.

“What, here in the middle of the hallway?” 

“Why not? Are you ashamed of me?” Newt pouted with big puppy dog eyes. 

“Of course not. Just wary of kissing.” Hermann pulled back his hand to rub the back of his neck, wanting his blush to go away. 

“Alright then, back home we go.” Newt sighed exasperated.

“No, no, wait. I’ll kiss you.”

Suddenly glad they were alone, Hermann came closer to Newt, wrapping his arms around his neck as he pressed the shorter woman against the wall. He noticed Newt’s cheeks go a little red from the closeness, causing him to smile as he leaned down and pressed their lips together. The force tipped Newt’s head back against the wall and he reached out to clutch Hermann’s waist, mashing them together like always. Though they’d never admit it out loud, both simultaneously wished they could go home and get on with the real romance but acknowledged that they had to delay it to feast with newfound relatives and friends. 

“Now, please stay, darling.” Hermann begged in a low tone as he pulled back with glazed eyes.

“Of course,” Newt purred, slithering an arm around his waist for the journey over, “Come, my sweet Hermann. Better late than never-- and never too late to change.”

* * *

The next thing they knew, they found themselves in a secluded corner of a restaurant, pushed there because it had the tables with the most space and to indirectly keep their noise away from other patrons. Couples laid atop each other, utterly infatuated with each other and wordlessly running a contest over who could show the most PDA. Midway through drinking and laughing together, Vanessa realized that nobody had made a toast yet so she kissed her wife’s forehead and stood up with her half empty glass in hand. 

“At long last, we’ve finally reconciled our differences. Now we can laugh at past dangers and adventures. My lovely Karla, bid my father welcome with the same respect I bid yours. Sisters Newt and Hermann, and of course friend Tendo with your loving widow, you’re all welcome in my home. This is the last course of our meal so let’s sit, chat, and enjoy it!”

“All we do is sit and eat, sit and eat.” Newt quipped, playfully rolling his eyes as she sat down.

“Well, Munich is famous for its pleasantries, Newton.” Lars interjected.

“I’ve yet to find anything  _ unpleasant _ here.”

“I wish that were true.” Tendo coughed, slightly choking on his sip of beer.

“Well, what do you know! Tendo fears his widow!” Newt snorted, unable to full body laugh due to Hermann’s grip on him. 

“Me afraid of  _ him _ ? No way.” Alison, the widow, replied, resting her head on her husband’s shoulder.

“No, I meant him being afraid of  _ you _ .” Newt reiterated. 

“He who’s dizzy thinks the world’s spinning.”

“Damn right, sister.” He extended his fist for her to bump.

“And what is that supposed to mean?” Hermann cocked an eyebrow. 

“That’s what I conceive of him.” Alison told him plainly.

“ _ Conceives by me _ ,” Newt comically twisted her words, “How’s that sit with you, Ten?”

“Allie means that her comment showed how she understood him.” Tendo explained. 

“Nice save! You better kiss him for that one.”

“ _ ‘He who’s dizzy thinks the world’s spinning’ _ \-- enlighten me.” Hermann urged, interested in what she truly meant.

“Your spouse, saddled with a shrew, projects his suffering onto mine.” Alison resolved. 

“A very nasty meaning, indeed.” 

“My meaning  _ is _ nasty, in your case.”

“Therefore I will be  _ nasty _ when it comes to you.” Hermann scowled in his usual passive aggressive manner.

“Tell her, Herm!” His wife cheered. 

“Tell him, Allie!” Tendo shouted back. 

“Hundred euros says Hermann puts her flat on her back.”

“Technically that’s my job.” Tendo retorted.

“Cheers to that!” Newt whooped before downing his drink.

The elders of the assembly sat at the head of the table, here and there privately conversing about the young ones. In one such instance, Lars leaned over to Hannibal and asked his opinion on the quick-witted children, to which Hannibal responded, “They certainly love to butt heads.”

To everyone’s surprise, Karla, who had been dozing off on Vanessa’s shoulder, picked up her head to sleepily say, “A clever person would say they had horns and were butting with those.”

“Ah, so the bride has awoken.” proclaimed her father-in-law. 

“Yes, but I think I’ll go back to sleep.”

“Nope. You chimed in so let’s see if we can trade a sarcastic joke or two.” Newt scolded.

“If I’m the bird you want to shoot, then I’ll move my bush. Come along ladies.” Karla huffed, kissing her wife’s neck before taking a hand from Hermann and Alison, the three of them shuffling away to talk outside. 

“Well, she got away. Mako also aimed at that bird and didn’t hit, so a drink to all who’ve shot and missed.” Newt proposed.

“Oh well… Really I was like Vanessa’s greyhound; off the leash running but the catch was intended to be hers.” Mako amended, lazily taking a sip of her fruity drink. 

“Witty and cynical reply? I like it.”

“You, however, hunted for yourself and your deer seems to be holding  _ you _ at bay.” She giggled. 

“She cut deep with that one, Newton.” Lars asserted, admittedly somewhat snickering to himself.

“Good one, Mako.” Vanessa praised.

“Be real: did that hit too close to home?” Tendo queried, trying to hold back chuckles.

“I’m a little sore,” Newt confessed, “But it’s bounced off me to hit you two straight on.”

“Newton, I do believe you have the most thoroughgoing shrew of them all.” Lars stated.

“I disagree. So let’s put it to the test. We’ll all call for our wives and whoever comes first wins the bet for their spouse.” Newt smirked, sitting up properly. 

“What’s the wager?” Tendo raised his brows to convey his interest.

“Twenty euros.” Vanessa added.

“Twenty euros,” Newt scoffed, “I’d put twenty times that on my wife.”

“Hundred then.”

“Agreed.” Tendo conceded, offering a hand to both of them.

“Good!” Newt exclaimed as he accepted and shook the hand. 

Everyone joining the bet dug through their pockets for their wallets, each pulling out a hundred euro bill and placing them on the table where Tendo shuffled them into a neat stack. There was little discussion needed on who should go first as Vanessa eagerly volunteered and sent Raleigh to go fetch Karla.

“I’ll stake half that Karla will come.” Lars submitted, hoping Vanessa would let him. 

“Nope, no halves. Just the whole bet,” She shook her head, brows furrowing when she noticed Raleigh came back alone, “What happened?”

“Said she’s ‘busy and can’t come.’” Raleigh shrugged, making air quotes around the last few words.

“‘Busy and can’t come’? Really now?” Newt barked, wiping tears from his eyes.

“Pray your wife doesn’t send a worse answer.” Hannibal muttered.

“Oh, I’m hoping for better actually.”

“Raleigh,  _ request _ my wife to come in then.” Tendo attempted, eyeing Raleigh carefully as he went back out.

“He  _ requests _ , does he? Then she’ll  _ have _ to come.” Newt jested sarcastically. 

“I doubt  _ yours _ would allow such a request,” Tendo countered and caught Raleigh’s eye, “So where is she?”

“She thinks it’s a prank so she won’t come and says you’ll have to come to her.” Raleigh sighed. 

“This just keeps getting worse and worse! Quite impolite of them-- Chuck, go tell Hermann to come here.” Newt beckoned, ignoring Chuck’s dejected huff.

“I’ll take a wild guess.” Tendo reported.

“Yeah?”

“He won’t come.”

“Then it’s only all the worse for me.” Newt affirmed, crossing his arms. 

What caught everyone off guard was Hermann sauntering through the door and easily winning the bet in Newt’s favor. He was frowning a little but it was likely from having to cut his conversation short, rather than the act of getting called inside. Coming in front of the table, he swiped a stray lock behind his ear before standing attention. 

“My, my, Hermione came.” His father remarked, surprised.

“You called for me? Would you like me to do something?” He turned his attention to Newt, who straightened up again. 

“Where are your sister and Alison?” 

“Sitting and chatting by a fire pit on the patio.”

“Bring them in here,” Newt demanded, “Use your cane if you have to. Whatever gets them in here the quickest.”

Hermann simply nodded and trotted back out, all eyes on him as he left. 

“Talk about miracles.” Vanessa voiced, unable to say much else.

“Yup. Wonder what it means.” Tendo agreed. 

“I’ll tell you what it means,” Newt proudly puffed out his chest, “It means peace, love, and a quiet life. Long story short, everything is sweet and happy.”

“May you have good fortune then, Newton. You’ve won the wager and I’ll add my own twenty thousand. Another dowry for another wife, since she’s been transformed.” Lars patted him on the shoulder. 

“Just wait. His obedience will help me win even more spectacularly.” 

Hermann strolled back in with the other wives in tow and stood the straightest out of all of them when they stopped in front of the table. Karla had her hands on her hips and Alison had her arms crossed, both already irritated with the game being played. However, Hermann, enjoying being able to flaunt his loyalty, was willing to play along.

“Herm, dear, would you mind taking that hat off and throwing on the ground?” Newt pressed, cautiously observing Hermann’s compliance.

“I can’t believe you’d let him treat you like this.” Alison jeered. 

“What kind of loyalty is this?” Karla derided, astounded her sister would stoop so low.

“Your lack of loyalty cost me a hundred euros, Karla.” Vanessa whined. 

“It was foolish to bet on it in the first place.” 

“Hermann, mind lecturing them on the nature of loyalty to their spouses?” Newt ordered.

“You’ve gotta be kidding.” Alison rolled her eyes. 

Hermann ignored the protests and made his way around the table, sitting in Newt’s lap so that he had a comfortable spot to lecture from.

“Girls, girls. Wipe those frowns off your face and stop rolling your eyes. It’s disrespectful to everyone, most of all your spouses. It mars your reputations, anyway. Nobody likes an angry woman and will avoid interacting with you. Your spouse is your everything and provides you all you’ll ever need.

“In exchange, they don’t ask for anything more than love, kindness, and obedience-- a small payment for a great debt. A woman owes their spouse the same loyalty as a royal. When peevish, perverse, sullen, or any number of things, they’re basically a traitor to their loving lord. I am ashamed to see women declare war on those who they should be serving, loving, and obeying. We must be as soft and smooth as our bodies so that all parts agree.

“My spirit has been as proud as yours, my courage as great, and my reason even better. But our weapons, strength, and wills are straw, weak and brittle. So humble your pride and instead express your loyalty. And may it bring them comfort for you to do so.”

“That’s my girl,” Newt hollered, heart rapidly skipping beats, “Kiss me Herm!”

He cupped Hermann’s jaw with one hand and wrapped the other around his waist, Hermann holding both sides of Newt’s face, and kissed him passionately. Meanwhile, everyone else watched in disgust and remorse as they broadcasted their affection and sick romanticism. 

“Congrats, Newt, you won.” Vanessa extended.

“It’s nice to see children playing nice.” Stacker gibed, glancing at his daughter. 

“But not so nice when women misbehave.” 

Newt was tired of listening to the defeated squabbling and using all his willpower not to slip his hand up Hermann’s skirt in public so he opted to press one last kiss to Hermann’s lips from scooping him into his arms and standing up. Startled, the rest of the group moved aside to let them exit the table and subsequently the restaurant. 

“We’re off to bed,” Newt declared, “Three of us got married but only one-- me-- came out victorious. And as the winner, I say good night.”

He then hustled to the door, Hermann holding on tightly, and gave no heed about Chuck, who had gotten there the latest, getting home. Those remaining clapped each other on the shoulders and embraced, silently offering their congratulations to the happiest couple. Against all odds, Newt had tamed a terrible shrew and amazingly the shrew let himself be tamed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank GOD the actual body of the work is done,,, just one last little thing of my own to write (once i find the energy) to top it all off,,,


	6. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the play doesn't actually have an epilogue and this turned out shorter than i expected but,,, i needed that domesticity ok,,, also for whatever reason i listened to ["jambi"](https://youtu.be/aUK8KOPNcb0) on repeat while writing lmao,,, anyway, enjoy,,,

In the morning, Newt awoke to soft sunlight peeking through the window, shining on his exposed back, and cold limbs tangled with his. The rest of the night before had gone by in a blur, between the copious amount of alcohol in his system and a fever itch that led to a glorious reward, but looking back on his hazy memory he felt all the genuine love and other warm feelings surrounding it, which is all that truly mattered. Beside him lay his still sleeping wife, pale but not ghostly, looking even more precious than in his awakened state due to his soft expression and disheveled curls lopped over on the pillow his cheek was pressed onto. 

Karla was a beautiful, smart, and funny woman but not nearly on her sister’s level, meaning everyone but Newt inevitably lucked out. Hermann wasn’t bitter or perpetually angry, just strong-willed and adept at realizing how ridiculous some people and things were. His frigid exterior was a ploy in and of itself, set up as a barrier to protect soft and fragile insides, ones that could be actually quite affectionate and personable once you managed to reach through to them. All that it required was sitting back and listening for a little while, though Newt also employed some comedic tactics of his own just to watch the reactions.

But truthfully, Newt had fallen in love with him the moment they met and had been head over heels since. In fact, half of his internal justification for his jokes and pranks was to bar himself in the scenario that it wasn’t possible for him to break through Hermann’s shell. In spite of all his exuded self confidence, Newt was just as insecure and damaged, needing total comfortability to be anywhere close to bearing his soul to someone. Luckily for him, Hermann seemed equally capable of patiently waiting to listen, as it seemed their souls were cut from the same cloth, easy to piece back together with the right thread and a steady hand. 

What brought him out of his thoughts was a small chirp and an icy hand on his bicep, an unconscious action that nevertheless brought to his attention just how cold Hermann was. Newt had begun to assume he ran cold in general but it probably didn’t help that their sheet hung around their waists, leaving most of their torsos to beat the chill of the air conditioning. In his usual manner, Newt just smirked and found it the perfect opportunity to make a joke. 

“Hermie, you’re freezing, babe.” He cooed just loud enough to not startle Hermann all the way awake.

“Then warm me, dearest.” Hermann sleepily drawled, not bothering to open his eyes. 

Newt chuckled at him but gave into his request, pulling them close enough for their chests to bump together and be able to admire Hermann’s body without putting his glasses on. What Hermann would come to find out is that he was blessed with a multipurpose wife, one of those purposes being a personal heater, which he considered very handy. Still feeling particularly silly, Newt hooked Hermann’s leg over his hip and gently squeezed Hermann’s thigh, wanting to see what Hermann would say in return. 

“Tease…” was all that he murmured, though it wasn’t a disappointing response at all. 

During his squeezing, Newt noticed just how smooth Hermann’s skin was, prompting him to begin to run his hand up the length of his body, pausing in some of the most prominent places of his elegance. The first was his bad hip, marred with scars and nerve damage, yet charming nonetheless, followed by his slightly protruding spine, visible through his thin skin and meager amount of body fat. Next was his shoulder blades that were also fairly protruding but more so because of the layer of muscle he had gained from using his cane for so long. It was inevitable that Newt would take inventory of the bust pressed to his own, not overly sizable but its delicate skin was still soft enough for Newt to adore. Finally, Newt brought his hands up to cup both sides of Hermann’s jaw, receiving a half-lidded look as he did. 

“Herm, I love you more than words can describe.” He confessed, swallowing thickly as he waited for a reply.

“And I love you more than the sun loves the moon, Newton.” Hermann retorted, Newt sighing with relief.

Simultaneously, they leaned toward each other to lazily kiss, laying their foreheads together once they had pulled away. With warming bodies and full hearts, they dozed back off, not caring about any other buzz going on in the world or any obligations that may have come up. Instead, they basked in their love for each other and wordlessly welcomed what would be the rest of their lives. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this officially concludes "finding happiness in misery" (which i stole from "i don't care" by fob if you hadn't already noticed),,, this took me an entire painstaking week (give or take) to write but now it's finished,,, i think it turned out alright but yall seem to like it so that's all i can ask for,,, have a good day, lovelies ❤️

**Author's Note:**

> for role reference/reminder:  
> \+ vanessa <\--> lucentio / cambio  
> \+ mako <\--> tranio / lucentio  
> \+ raleigh <\--> biondello  
> \+ lars <\--> baptista minola  
> \+ hermann <\--> katherine  
> \+ karla <\--> bianca  
> \+ newt <\--> petruchio  
> \+ chuck <\--> grUmio  
> \+ tendo <\--> hortensio  
> \+ hannibal <\--> grEmio


End file.
